Almost the New Year, A New Me....

OK, so how awesome is it that I vowed that I will give myself to the new year to get over him and I have a date to my new years party?!?!?! Yeah, I think that is kinda poetic. Well, I received another email from him today. He said he just started dating her....yeah right. Well, you know what, it really doesn't matter anymore. Sure, I'm not completely over him but my mind isn't focused on him anymore. Thoughts do wander his way but not sad thoughts. Not even bad thoughts. So any who, the annual Lisa's New Years party is coming. This will be the third year we have it. It's never really big but we usually have a lot of fun doing absolutely nothing!! Isn't that cool!!! We are just really close friends hanging out!! I love it. I love my friends!!! Well, I got the Jello shots made and some food ready, I need to make a beer run tomorrow and we'll be set. It's a celebration to get over the ass that was my boyfriend. Yippee!!!

Hopefully 2005 will be the year all my dreams come true!! 2005 is my year!! My life is gonna begin. I'm going to bring it in with everyone I love, everyone that is my friend because they love the person I am. I guess I'm having an 'I-love-my-friends' moment. I have them alot when we all hang out together!!

OK, for my New Years Resolutions!!!

1. Get over him!

2. Get a new job!

3. Relocate!

4. Lost 5 pounds to reach my goal weight!

5. Work out and get a hot body!

6. Spend more time with my Grandma!

7. Tell the people close to me how much they mean to me!

8. Give more hugs!

9. Receive more hugs!

10. Be a better person!

Geez, I hope I can do all these. It doesn't seem like a hard list to achieve!! Anyway, I guess I should go to bed. Tomorrow is my last day to miss him...Good thing I have my guy guy to help. I guess I don't have to be alone. I guess there is someone else in the world interested in me.... go figure...

Back up the ladder....

OK, so I'm heading back up the ladder a couple rungs. I met my guy guy last night and had a really good time... I guess there are nice guys out there. To top of my great night, my ex replied to my email about the stuff I wanted back. Come to find out he started seeing her the week after Thanksgiving... Yeah, that would be one week after we broke up. Nice huh!! *plus, now stupid is that, a new girlfriend right before christmas so you have to buy her something... good lord!!* He said that she approached him and he said that I was going out and having fun so he figured he should too. He told her he had cheated on me. I bet that will always be in the back of her head, if it isn't then she's gonna have a rude awakening.

See, I feel sorry for him. He has no friends. My friends were there to pick me up after I fell. He had none. He never had any at least while we were dating. I knew he would latch onto a girl because he has no one else to hang out with. I even said that while we were dating. I told him that if we ever broke up he would need a new girlfriend right away...Ding ding ding, Lisa is right again... Go figure. Well, some people say I should look at it like she's his rebound, it won't last. Well, I really don't care if it does or not. Yeah, I hope she breaks his heart so he can feel one ounce of the pain I felt, but if not, who cares. He wasn't good enough for me anyway. *I'll probably eat those words in the future when/if I've hit the bottom again.*

OK, so this email he sent me didn't upset me so much. It just brought back the anger and I wrote some really mean things back to him. He said the last two months were it for him. Ok, well, it's either August and September before he cheated on me that he couldn't stand me or October and November after he cheated on me and hell yeah, there was a big change. I guess I should just remember that we actually broke up on around October 8th. I should just look at it from that point. That would make it OK for him to move on. I guess though when he came back to me and told me he wanted to be with me, that would cancel that out though. I don't know.

I took about three large steps to moving on last night. It felt really good. I'm not gonna say that my ex wasn't in the back of my mind most of the time because he was, but I had this great guy hanging out with me and that felt great. I do realize I'm not ready for anything major. I think I need a lot more time for that. Time to start to open up again. It will come with time... I guess time heals all wounds, or so they say....

Hi Friend...*shove* AAAHHH, Slam...Ouch!!!

OK, back at the bottom again. Four rungs up the misery ladder and a friend gives me a shove and knocks me back to the bottom... Hell, there might have even been a crack in the floor and I fell further than the bottom. So I have spent the last 5 weeks trying to completely avoid my ex and any possiblity that he might have a new girlfriend. I thought I covered all my bases. All my friends got the 'I-don't-want-to-know-if-you-see-him-or-anything-I-don't-want-to-hear-his-name' speech. Well, my cousin from Japan must not have got that message. She called me yesterday at work. She said she emailed me. She said she wanted to make sure I knew that a mutual friend of ours saw my ex at the mall with his new girlfriend on Christmas Eve. You know, I assumed he had a new girlfriend but I didn't want to hear that. She said she wanted to make it real for me. I knew it was real. I haven't been with him in a month, it was really real to me. If it wasn't real to me, would I be hurting as bad as I have been? No. So yeah, this kinda messed me up. So what did I do, I called and left a voicemail on his phone.... I hate myself for that. I am not that weak, I don't know why I did it. I guess I just wanted him to know it hurt me that he moved on so fast. You know, it took him a month to ask me out. But it sure as hell didn't take him a month to move on from me.

I will be OK about this though. I just want to know when he actually fell out of love with me, if he was even in love with me at all. I just want to know where it was that I overlooked the 'I-want-out' signal that he had to have given me. But I just keep going to back the conversation we had before I found out he cheated on me. I keep hearing him say "I want you to see me in your future" and damn him, I did. I saw us kissing on our wedding day. That is all I could see but that was enough for me. Now I can still see that in my head, only I'm not smiling. I'm trying to slowly erase him from that picture but that's just the first time I've pictured myself marrying someone. And boy did we look happy in my mind. I saw this picture after he cheated on me. That hurts the worst. He made me look even after what he did. I could have handled this thing had it not been for that one little vision.

I called my friend, Cathy for support. She is always there for me. I love her for that. I went over to my grandmas to get a much needed hug. She was there for me too. I had emailed my guy guy and asked him to call and he did. He was there for me too. I feel so bad for him though because he hasn't met the real Lisa. He hasn't met the one who always has a smile on her face and always cracking jokes. Instead, he has this new Lisa that I've never even met before. I hate this Lisa. I wish she would go away and never come back. He is still there for me though. I admire him for that. We are going to meet tonight for the first time. I hope I am not a freakin' basketcase in front of him... Maybe being with him will make me forget about my ex. I pray it does.

I emailed my ex and reminded him of the things he still owes me. I also asked for some more of my stuff back. You know what I really want back though. No, not him. I want back everything I made better about him. I want back the fact that I talked him into going to college. I want back the fact that he got his job through my friend. I want him to be what he was gonna be before he met me. I want him to go back and get out of high school and go in the military like he was planning to before he met me. I want him to work at Domino's and be satisfied with that, not go to college and just be a loser like he was destined to be before he met me. I want him to hang out with his drug dealer friends like he did before he met me. I want to take back the better man I made him. I want to take back the support I gave him that his family didn't. I want to take back all the great things my family did for him. I want to take back introducing him into my great group of friends. I want to take back the love I gave him and all the great compliments I gave him while we were together. I want to take back my heart that I gave him and my future that I also gave him. I guess what I really want is to not have met him at all. He hasn't made my life any better. He's just shown me what real pain feels like. Thanx alot, Tim...

Well, Christmas is over.... Hooray!!

Sorry I missed a day. I actually spent the day with a good friend of mine. He knew I was down on Christmas so he helped me take my mind off of it*no, not that way!!*. Then I stopped and talked to a friend I hadn't seen in over a year. It was good to catch up and remember that there are still a lot of people out there that love me. That's a nice thought. I also spent a lot of time on the phone with a guy... yeah, not a friend guy but a guy guy. A possiblity. That was really cool too. It's nice to think there are other possiblities out there. I talked a lot about my ex but of course this guy was aware of my situation and my state of depression. It's just nice when someone reaffirms that I should have been upset with my ex's actions. That helps a lot. Not that this guy is perfect but at least he thinks my ex was a dick... I would hate to think I was looking for a rebound, but I think that's natural. I definitely don't want anything serious right now. It wouldn't be fair to the guy because of my current state. You know, this guy said something about sometimes people just fall out of love. Maybe at one time my ex did love me, but maybe he just fell out of love with me. I kinda feel like, me being his first girlfriend, I just trained him how to be a boyfriend and he thought he would go out and try it with someone else. That's kinda the way I feel right now. I just want a guy who is the same person if he's with me or without me. I feel like my ex was a totally different person when I wasn't by his side.

Maybe I should have never trusted him. But the truth is, I did trust him, I didn't trust all the little girls who came into his workplace and flirted with him. I didn't think he was strong enough to avoid temptation and I was right. You know, when we were dating about 4 months before we broke up, he had three different girls' name and phone numbers in his cell. I didn't make it a habit to go through his cell phone but that day I happened to pick it up. The first two names were girls and then the fourth one was a girl too. OK, one I might have let slip by. I thought three was a little much. Of course these were girls who came into his workplace and flirted with him. He said they TOOK his cellphone from him and put there numbers in themselves. Well, if it were me, I would have grabbed it out of their hands. Plus, you know he was interested in them cause if they were ugly he would have taken it away from them. I think that is when I realized that he didn't love me anymore. I guess I was right. He had three opportunities in his phone, why did he need me other than the fact that I took him places and did fun things with him. Oh well, that should have told me the kind of person he was....but I loved him and I wanted to believe he loved me..wanted to believe he was my prince charming.... ok, so I was stupid... a love fool. Gawd, though, the idea of being in love is great. I'm starting to think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. I loved the falling, I just hated hitting the bottom....

Merry Christmas, Bah Humbug....

The Dean Grandkids!! 

OK, Christmas day.... It had it's ups and downs. I got alot of nice stuff, I got to see my cousins who I adore and I actually had a good time. The downs, I cried for about 15 minutes, realized I was alone, and he texted me a merry christmas wish. You know, I messaged him back and told him it was hard without him. He said his was different, meaning different girl. Don't get me wrong, it was nice to see his message. It was like the calm before the storm. My heart skipped a beat and I think it might have even smiled....then I realized what he was doing. It was the pity text. It was the 'I-know-she's-still-hurting-lets-make-her-day' text. That is the last thing I want is pity. I know, reading my blogs you are probably thinking, oh, she wants us to pity her. Not true... I don't want anyone to forget that I am writing this for my own self. Something that I can look back on and see my progress and remember my hurt so it never happens to me again.

I was proud of my family. It took my Grandma 3 hours before she made the 'lisa/marriage' comment. A little later, she even said his name. Ouch. I think she wanted to take it back as soon as she said it. Course then she made a comment about my coat being to small, it wouldn't go around me. Huge self esteem boost!! Loved it. You know, I let her get away with things like that. The most hurtful part of Christmas was my Mother asking me if I had a good Christmas and if I got everything I wanted. I shook my head 'yes' and tears started to roll. She saw and turned and walked away. A hug would have been nice. That's all. Just a hug. Both my parents noticed I was down in the dumps. I didn't get a hug from either one. It's OK though, that's not a common occurance in my family. It would have been nice though. Oh well, I just need to realize I can't get that kind of support from my immediate family. Luckily I have friends for that. Don't get me wrong, I have a great awesome family. They would do anything for me. But they would rather buy me happiness than do anything emotional. I guess I'm just not a very material person.

All in all, I think I half way enjoyed my single depressed Christmas. Had some laughs, I was surrounded by great people and realized I have the best family in the world. Any guy would be lucky to join our family, but you got to be pretty special to fit our mold.. I guess I just need to keep looking... Merry Christmas everyone...

Bad Judge of companion character...

I had a break down last night. I'm not even sure why. I was alone in the house and I just lost it for no reason... well, OK, the reason is I see myself as a puthetic loser who can't keep a boyfriend and who is gonna be alone for the rest of her life. Luckily, friends called. They didn't know I was down, they just called. Each one shared their thoughts with me about how it will get better, it just takes time. More time than a month. Damn!! Then, my friend Cathy called. For some reason, Cathy usually says the important things that impact the way I think. I thought back to when me and him started dating. Cathy said she didn't like him. He was a womanizer. She never completely trusted him. She felt like he was a player. For some reason I didn't see that but I guess when you are in love, you see what you want to see. I wish I would have listened to her in the beginning. She didn't push her thoughts on me, she just let me go. Let me be happy with him. She gave him the benefit of the doubt. She was right though. Lots of people saw him like that. I just didn't. Neither did my family and friends. Of course they only knew him around me. They didn't know how he was without me. I guess he put on that front around me. Love really does make you see someone in a different light. You know, I see that in him now. I see his womanizing ways. He enjoyed having a line of girls interested in him and I was just holding up the line. I guess I wanted to see more in him than what he will ever be. I guess that was dumb of me. Cathy also said that what I wanted from him was the dream of me and him. The fairy tale story. The happily ever after. He cheated and I wanted him back...no, I didn't want him, I wanted the way we were. That's another stupid thing you do in love. Oh well, I'll move on. So much for my happy ending...

Came to a realization....

Ok, so I came to the realization that he will never be as sad as I am. I need to stop plotting and schemeing as to how to make him hurt and figure out how to get back the old Lisa, the fun Lisa. I have decided I will give myself until New Years to mourn this stupid breakup and then the happy Lisa will come back. A couple of years ago I had major feelings for this guy. He had sent me mixed signals for several months. Then I realized that nothing was gonna happen between us but I had never told him how I felt. My new years resolutions that year was to 1. tell him how I felt 2. Make amends with my cousin who I hadn't spoken to in over a year and 3. let go of the anamosity towards my brother and his way of life and just get along with him. I did them all.

I sent the guy a Christmas card and inside the card was another card. I wrote on the sealed envelope, Do not open. Course he did, but I just wanted him to know that I wrote it for me, not him. It was to make myself feel better and it did...until he called me to discuss it. But now, he's a friend of mine, the same friend I go to races with all the time. I don't have any feelings hidden away for him anymore. He knows how I felt. He did say that things would have been different if I would have told him those things earlier. I figured that but it was my fault. It's better how it is now anyway. My cousin and I had a falling out over a mutual friend. It was a really stupid argument and I decided to let it go. I don't do that easily but now, I have my cousin back. We talk often now. It's really nice to not have that on my mind anymore. My brother, well, we are still not the closest siblings but at least we are civil. My issues with him would put me into an all out nervious breakdown. It really messed me up for several years. Then, I let it go. It doesn't bother me anymore. I don't say anything about him anymore. It made me a totally different person. My own person, not my brothers little sister. It was nice.

I hope to do the same thing this new year. I want to let go my feelings for my ex. The anger, the hurt, and the love. I want to let it all go and never look back again. I hope I can do this. After the holidays, I should be better. It's all this damn Christmas cheer that gets me down.

I slept with the teddy bear he gave me for Valentine's day last night. Should I get rid of it? Will that help me forget him? I've packed up most of his stuff. There isn't much around that puts tears in my eyes. I just don't know if I have completely cleansed my life of him. I don't know.

I have decided to spend my time thinking of other things besides him. Right now I'm stuck on this guy that I was interested in at the concert last Friday. He was a really attractive guy. I would have loved to have talked to him. I took that stupid books advice and I didn't approach him. I regret it now. I would love to find him and ask him out. I was really attracted to him. I made eye contact a couple of times and I had about 4 chances to talk to him when he was really close to me. I'm kicking myself now for it. My friends refer to him as the M&M guy because when we spotted him, he was eating M&Ms. Yummy!!! Anyway, I guess I'll have to focus my energy on the search for the hot guy....

A Thinking Day...

Well, I have my interview all set up in Nashville. I'm really excited about it. Of course, I started thinking about how much I will miss my family and friends. It's gonna be tough leaving them. My best friend has a 10 month old baby girl who I will miss. I'm not a baby lover but I can love her. Plus, she loves me so that makes me love her even more. I will hate missing her grow up and not knowing me. But then again, I have to do what is best for me. My life is nothing here. I don't just say that because I'm single, it has never been anything here. Having him love me just made it bearable. But of course, looking back now, I don't think he ever loved me anyway, but life here didn't seem so bad with him around. I don't want people to think that I'm running away because of him. He was just the big push, that's all. I guess I was holding myself back when I was with him. My temporary happiness blinded me to my permanent future.

I have never thought of myself being better than someone else but you know, in this case I'm gonna go out on a limb and say,"I was too good for him." Call me arrogant or conceded, I don't care, I truly believe now that I am a much better person than he will ever be. He will never have the kind of friends I have. He will never be respected the way I am. He will never make anything of himself that will better the world. He is just average. I don't believe he will ever be anymore than average. My best friend said the nicest thing to me on the phone. She said that I was much prettier than he was handsome. I always thought of me being with him that I was the uglier of the two of us. I truly did. For her to say that to me meant the world. And, you know, I don't think I'm ugly, I just don't think I'm pretty either. I'm just average, but you know, at least my life won't be average. At least I'm chasing my dream.

Another thought crossed my mind today while I finished up the last bit of Christmas shopping. *bah humbug!!* I asked him when we broke up to tell me he didn't love me anymore. He always said he couldn't. You know, I think he could have every time I asked him too. I think the only thing keeping him from saying it was my feelings getting hurt. You know, I would have rather heard that than 'I want to still be friends.' I would have rather walked away knowing that there was no hope that we could ever 'be' again. Now, he has a new girlfriend. I wonder if he can say it now.....

Was I Hit By A Bus?????

No, that's right, a mountain beat on me all day.... Boy am I sore. My whole body aches but you know the last time I felt like that was when I found out my ex cheated so at least this why, I got it honest. I got a work out I guess. That's awesome stuff. So, you might be wondering why I decided to post so early in the morning...well, I didn't sleep well last night after the mysterious messaging from the ex. It got me thinking about alot of stuff. It made me realize that I was still on his list and he knew whenever I was online. Well, truth be known, I do chat with two guys on there quite often.

See, during my healing process I removed him from everything I have. I didn't want to see him online. I didn't want to keep his phone number in my phone. Believe me, at my weakest moments I would probably dial him up. I don't want that. I have to remember that he has moved on. He is just trying to keep a friendship. I understand what he's doing. I was gonna do that with my ex that I broke up with that I wasn't in love with. It's easy to say you can be friends when your feelings are gone. I knew my ex wouldn't want that though. I didn't message him, or call him or anything. I took it for what it was, an ended relationship. Although my ex was not that great to me, I would still be his friend (the ex who didn't cheat). But, I know we can't really do that. Which is fine, I wasn't his friend before we dated anyway.

My current ex will realize in his future relationships why I can't be his friend. I was his first real relationship that was long lasting, he will have many more and he will be in my position sometime. He will see that it's not actually a weakness that I have, its a self preservation mechanism. I'm just looking out for myself because my stupid heart doesn't like to listen to me!! I just listen to some of the things I pray for when I'm in bed at night. Stupid things like bringing him back to me and making him love me again. That is my heart talking, not my head. I then have to create future situations in my head that doesn't include him. I have to help myself not dream about him so then at least I can get a peaceful night's sleep which is one of my joys in life!!

You know, I have every right to be angry with him. I wish I could just channel that anger to destroy the good memories. If you have seen the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" I think I would do what she did with no question about it. I would have him completely erased from my memory if I could. Yeah, the good memories were great but all they bring me is heartache and pain so do I really need them? I mean, he's gone so why should all the good times we had together still be with me. It should all walk away with him. I know that people would think I would regret it but you know, I don't think I would. I don't think I would miss the good memories if I wasn't aware that I ever had them. I would do it. I would do it today if anyone knows where it can be done. I still believe it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but I also believe that pain sucks and I would do whatever I could to get rid of the pain.

So, as a closing note, if anyone has any knowledge on the memory erasing thing, please email me cause I am totally interested...

Got A little Frost bite...

Well, I got back from a ski trip with my friends. It's a good lift for me. I rode down with one of my best guy friends who is also single and depressed like me. We realized during our 4 hour drive through blizzard like conditions that our married friends have never experienced heartbreak or being single like we have. They will never truly understand how we feel. They were high school sweethearts and have been together for over 10 years, never been heartbroken.. Oh, if only we all could be soo lucky. It's funny cause me and my guy friend would be a good couple. We get along great, we know eachother well, it just doesn't work that way with friends though. That's OK though, to not look lame, we played boyfriend and girlfriend..hehehehe...

Anyway, I'm a little distracted right now with what I was going to post. HE messaged me on my MSN and it kinda took my breath and made my heart skip a beat. After the pain I went through on Saturday night, that was the last thing I expected from him. He was only giving me well wishes for my upcoming interview but it just tore at my heart. I don't think it's possible to stay friends considering the feelings I have or had for him. That was probably 30 minutes ago and I still feel the pressure on my chest. He didn't mean to hurt me but it just does. I told him I couldn't do it. He apologized. I know it's lame, but I wish he would have said that he was having a hard time without me and that me wanted me back. I know though, that nothing would be better, I just need to continue to get over him. Some days I believe I can do it, others I'm not so sure. But hey, I'm still alive... I guess I can live without him. It's just a little harder sometimes.

Back to my trip. When we woke up this morning at 7:45am it was -3 degrees with a windchill of -18 degrees. Talk about cold!! I had on a pair of jeans, 2 pairs of flannel pants, windbreaker pants, and snowboarding pants. I also had on 3 long sleeved t-shirts and a sweatshirt plus my snowboarding coat. Let me tell you what, I'm glad I had that much on. When we would go up the lift, it would get colder and snowboarding down the slopes it felt like your face was freezing. All the lifts had Frost bite warnings posted. Yeah, only really dumb people will go skiing in that kind of weather. There is good news. I am doing slightly better than my previous ski trip experiences. My knees are highly bruised but most of that came after I started getting tired and more people were skiing (meaning you have to dodge more people...for me that means throwing myself to the ground!!).

It was a good time and I enjoyed spending time with my friends. They will be what I miss the most when I move away. They are my rocks. Friends are the family you choose and I chose a great family of friends. I hope they all know how much I appreciate their friendship. I wish I could include him in my special group of friends because he was a special part of my life for so long but I don't need friends who lie and cheat. None of mine have and I would bet my life that none of them ever would lie to me. That is my definition of a friend and I hold that close to my heart. And although I'm probably not the best girlfriend in the world, I know that I am a damn good friend to people. Not to sound conceded but I think a person is very lucky to have me as a friend...

Slam....ouch....

Well, I have hit rock bottom again. It is now 7:18pm on a Saturday night. I went against my boycott of his workplace and went there with my mom. I figured he wasn't working. Course, the closer we got to the place, my stomach started to turn into knots. I didn't even want to walk around and shop, I just wanted to go set out in the car. Every girl I saw, I wondered if he was dating her. That was hard enough. Then on the way home, I saw him. He was putting gas in his car at the gas station and he was dressed up. It was 6:30, time to go out on a date... OK, so I'm at the bottom of the pit again. I was probably 15 steps up on the ladder and I lost my grip and let go. Tears are falling and the pain is back. Even the up chuck reflex. My mom, being supportive as she is said, "when are you gonna get over him?" She said, " you didn't even want him." I said, "I didn't want him because he didn't want me." She said, "well, you should have treated him better when you had him." OK, so all I really needed was a hug from someone who loved me and tell me it was going to be alright. I was gonna find someone else even better, but I can't look to my mom for that. I know I should have treated him better. I realized that before we broke up. Gawd, it hurts soo much. I need to get out of here, I can't see him like that. I don't know why I expected him to set at home like me and miss me like I miss him. Why did I expect him not to date anyone else?? I don't get it, I am so stupid to do this to myself. I was trying so hard to stay away from anywhere he might be, trying to not see him.

He is probably opening his date's door right now, like he used to with me. I never told him how much I appreciated that. Maybe she will. He's probably taking her hand right now in his or putting his hand in the small of her back to lead her into the restaurant or movie theater like he used to with me. I loved that so much. I got to stop doing this to myself. It will be a month on Monday. How long does it take to get over the love of your life?? Please say it takes a month and then you are good as new!! I really need to feel good again. If I move, I won't have to worry about seeing him. I need that so much. I really need that.

Now I have to start from the bottom again...

Girls night out...

Tonight was a girls night out. Blue County/Emerson Drive concert. Let me tell you what, a man singing is hot stuff!! Especially when it's a hot man singing!! Yeah, so we get alittle silly at concerts. It was really fun. If you remember from some previous posts, I was worried about one of the girls that was going with us. The "other woman's best friend". Well, karma struck again. Not that this girl did anything to me but you know, she's the girls friend. Anyway, it just so happened that the girl her boyfriend was cheating on her with sat down right in front of her. Her boyfriend actually called this girl and she saw that it was his number. Needless to say, she stopped by his work and dumped him...actually, she went with the other girl to his work and dumped him. I feel bad for her but then again, you know, I was glad she didn't ruin my night. I'm glad that I was strong and had a great time and didn't dwell on the "being single" thing. Yep, sure am getting better.

More good news. Of course I put in my resumes in some places in Mooresville, NC but I have been applying online to lots of different places. I received a call yesterday from a marketing firm in Nashville that wants to interview me. That is totally exciting!! If not Mooresville, then Nashville is the next best thing. I've been there several times. It's a beautiful city. I hope I like the job and have a good interview. I would move there!! I actually wanted to work around country music before I wanted to work with racing. Racing is still my priority, but it would be a good start.

Maybe things are looking up. I got a new cellphone, I got a job interview, I'm making good money at my charm business, I got to see some hot guys perform, I'm going skiing with my friends, what more could I want or need!! I have an OK life.....

Back from my future home....

Well, I'm back from Mooresville, NC. My little alone trip was nice. It helped me not think of my ex. Actually he didn't cross my mind all that much. Only one thought, and it made me smile. My ex had this fetish about Denny's restaurants. Everywhere we went, he wanted to eat at a Denny's. I had never even seen one. I had always planned on finding one and taking him to eat there for a special occasion...well, it just so happens, a Denny's was right next to my hotel... yeah, it made me kinda sad for a moment and then I smiled. I smiled because that was one thing I loved about him. He always talked about Denny's. It was so cute and funny at the same time. I'm glad I have that memory. He did hurt me again though. Someone called him for my phone number and he gave her one I never use, almost like he forgot the number he called me at for the past year. I don't get that. Why would he do that?

Anyway, Stocks for Tots wasn't all that fun. I did get to meet Junior Johnson, Bobby Allison, and Larry McReynolds. To meet the legends was awesome. Yes, Dale Jr was there but I was so far back in the line that he left before I got to meet him...his lose, I looked darn cute!! It was freezing and I stood in line from 5pm to 8:30pm before I even got in the building. The signings started at 6pm and Jr and Kasey Kahne were signing from 6pm to 7pm. I would have liked to have met them both but I guess they had something else to do on a Tuesday night during the off season... OK, so I'm a tad bit bitter but geez. While I was in Mooresville I dropped off some resumes and signed up at an employment agency. I hope I get something. I just need out of here. I am afraid to leave the house for fear of running into him. I don't know why I let it bother me but it does. I just can't see him at all. You know, he was even on my Grandma's Christmas Card last year. Course Grandma thought alot of him.. She doesn't think I can find anyone as cute and as nice as him. I know I can, but that's hard to hear. Anyway, I guess I'll cut this post short and take a nap, I spent alot of time on the road... but I would drive there everyday....

Another day gone....

Well, another day of my vacation down... Not better, not worse, just a day gone by. I made my reservations for my hotel room in Charlotte so I am definitely going tomorrow. My main reason is for the Stocks For Tots (NASCAR drivers will be signing autographs for toys being donated to needy children) but also to look around and possibly put in some applications and resumes. It's time for me to make something happen in my life. I have nothing holding me here besides my family and friends. And although they are great, they can't really give me all the happiness I need. I need to find happiness in a career. I want to be a better person. I want to live my dream. Nothing's happening here.

My ex told me to go and chase my dream after he broke my heart but you know, I would have gladly taken him with me. I would have shared my dream with him, but it wasn't his dream at all. He just wanted a family and a house in the middle of nowhere...course, then it would be harder for him to cheat on his wife...OK, so that was harsh. I still believe "Once a cheat, always a cheat". I believe that he will do it again. Or maybe he won't. Maybe I just didn't mean anything to him. OK, so I need to stop this. I can't keep thinking about it. This damn vacation on top of Christmas is eating me alive. Well, I'll go to Charlotte and spend the night. Friday is the Emerson Drive Concert with my friends. Sunday we will leave to go skiing. I should be full up until Christmas. Then, after that, it's back to work....thank goodness!!! Anyway, I guess I'll keep this post short since nothing is happening in my life. Boy do I suck.....

I don't think it does....

Another hard day. I don't know what made it so hard, but I don't think the pain goes away. I finished my book, "he just not that into you" and let me tell you, it hurt. I'm sure it's all true but it hurt to know that he really wasn't all that into me, and the things he said after the break up, spelled it out. I must have been just an experiment or a learning tool or something. I mean, he was five years younger than me. I don't know, whatever it was, I didn't know it. In the book it says a girl should never chase after a guy. If a guy wants you, he will go to extreme measures to be with you. A girl should just set back and wait for a guy to come running...

You know, in the beginning I thought that was a load of sh*t but when I started to think about the guys I chased, it never worked... The guys who asked me out, they stuck, one for a year and a half and the other for a year and four months. Maybe that theory is true but then I have to think if I will ever get asked out again. There was a two year span in between my last two meaningful relationships. That's scary. It's basically telling me I will not find someone until I am 27 years old. Oh well. I guess I'll survive, I mean, I'm surviving right now ain't I?!? OK, so it might be a puthetic surviving but I am.

You know, I had told my ex that maybe in five years we could run into eachother and try it again. What a crock. I have realized that I am not going to settle for someone who is really great to me, but cheated. I don't want to settle with someone who hurt me so bad and could most possibly hurt me again. I'm not going to freak out about not having someone. Yeah, I miss the companionship, I miss my friend who was with me damn near everyday for a year and four months. That's what I miss. I guess I just need to get over it, evidently he has......

Does the pain ever go away??

OK, it's been two weeks and five days since me and my ex ended it. I went out to eat last night with my divorced friend and we met some of his friends at a bar and hung out. It was fun to hang out and have a couple of guys interested in me, but my mind kept going back to him. Today, while I was in the shower, I was thinking about how "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and how much I realized that when I went to Talladega without him. I thought about how much I wanted to get back into his arms and tell him, then a sharp pain hit me... he didn't miss me, he slept with someone else. You know, there are moments you just realize the power of what he did... I haven't forgotten it but boy does it make you feel....well, plain sh*tty. That's kinda where I'm at right now. I'm on vacation and I'm single and I'm remembering.... it's not turning out to be very good.

I checked out a book at the library entitled, "he's just not that into you: The No-Excuses Truth To Understanding Guys". I know I won't get any answers from it, but it kinda reflects how I feel right now. It kinda says there isn't any true excuses, they all mean that he's not into you anymore. That's the way I felt. But you know, I was at a bar with three guys and no one approached me. I only had two smiles and a wave. That's not good enough for me. It's not helping my self image. It's not filling the emptiness in my life. I guess I just have to let the idea go that I can get a rebound. I guess I'm really too picky for a rebound. I guess my mindset has changed from a year and a half ago. I guess I'm looking for more of a future than for just meaningless fun. That's weird for me too, because I've never thought that way. I've never "looked" for a husband, but I know I don't want to look for another heartbreak. I guess I should have never dated my ex because I knew it would end in heartbreak, and I knew he would be the one to break my heart. I don't know why I don't listen to myself. I guess because I always prepare for the worst and hopefully the best will happen and I will never have to use my preparation for the worst. In the beginning I was prepared. I was prepared up until the week he cheated and that's when I opened my eyes to a future with him.... My preparation was always, "don't include anyone else in your future but you, Lisa. You and your career, that's it". Let me tell you, that method works like a charm. Once you start seeing someone else, yeah, it feels good, but your heart is unlocked and a huge bullseye appears on it.

I don't know, I would say the happiest I was during our relationship was right after I got back from Talladega. I was really happy...happy with myself for seeing him in my future and being OK with it, and happy that I finally let myself fall completely in love, no doubts whatsoever. But that only lasted for three days. During that time, he knew he had hurt me, I just didn't know it yet. He said he was going to break up with me because he couldn't keep lying. He wasn't gonna tell me why, he was just gonna end it. Such a noble man. Anyway, I guess I should have known I couldn't be that happy. I don't think I'm built for happiness. Oh well, I'm sure I'll find someone who I deserve. If I was a horrible girlfriend then I deserve someone horrible, but I know I was loyal and faithful so I think I at least deserve that!! At least I hope I do....

First day of a series of long days.....

Today was my first day of my 17 day vacation. It hasn't started out all that good. Today I went shopping. My usual get alittle dressed up in case I meet someone.... of course I didn't and I got depressed by all the couples that were shopping hand in hand. Seriously, where and how are you supposed to meet new people?? I mean, I think about how I found my ex and you know, it just kinda happened. He came into where I worked. I wasn't looking for him, he just found me. But, I don't believe I can set back and rely on that method. I would like too, but if I did that, the depression would eat me alive. I need someone to occupy my mind until I let go of my feelings for my ex.

I keep thinking about how much better I am doing day by day. A song played today while I was shopping, "Stay Gone" by Jimmy Wayne, wow are the words in that song true. As long as he stays gone, I will get better. I would love to be able to talk to him every day and tell him whats going on with me but I can't. I can't handle it that way. Plus the longer I'm away from him, I realize that I had created the person I was in love with, it wasn't the real him. I do believe there is someone out there for me that is everything I want, but I don't think I will find him here. I really need to move away and start fresh somewhere else.

A friend stopped in and saw me last night at work. He has been like a brother to me for years. He just went through a divorce and is having a hard time. He was with this girl for a total of a year and five months (in which time they got married and separated). Me and my ex were together a year and four months....then the other foot dropped and I found out who he really is. No one should jump into marriage that fast.

Anyway, he just found out that one of his best friends slept with his ex wife. I had heard the rumors but I didn't believe them, but he finally got the truth from her. I can't even imagine how a friend can do that. I don't think I could handle a friend backstabbing me like that. I could tell in his eyes he was really truly hurt. It hurt me to see him like that. That would push me over the edge. The unspoken rules in a friendship should never be broken. I know that men are different from women and they can pick back up and be friends but to me, I don't need a friend who would do that to me. I trust my friends with my life. I also believe I am a very good friend. Just like I am in relationships, I am very loyal, honest, trustworthy, and I would do anything to make a friend happy or smile. Listening isn't a strong point for me but I even try to do my best with that if a friend is in need. But, you don't just become my friend, you have to earn it. Friend is not a loose term I use. If you are my friend, you are in a handpicked group of great people. Everyone else is an aquaintance. So remember, do not stab your friends in the back, they will be there when no one else will. "friends are the family you chose"....

Late Night Rendezvous....

Tonight I hung out with an exboyfriend. Actually, he was my first real love... my first everything. Anyway, it's nice to spend time with someone you are comfortable around, even if the feelings that were once there are long gone. Course, I also blame him for alot of my issues with relationships. I was so wrapped up in him through high school that I let soo many opportunities pass me by. After my most recent breakup, I found my diary and looked into the past. I know that I made it through so tough times I never thought I could. I figured somewhere in my past would be the advice I need to get through the horrible pain of the present. I didn't find what I was looking for but I did see something I didn't see then.

My low self esteem has been an issue all through my life. I always thought in high school, no one wanted me. I didn't date much, only my ex. I didn't think anyone was interested in me. I figured he was the only one who would ever like me. Boy was I wrong. Page after page in my diary I wrote about the people who asked me out. The same people I used to have crushes on. In every entry I turned them down because me and my ex were going to get back together. I turned down some great guys because of my ex... and if you only could see where my ex is now and where some of them guys are, you would probably slap me. But, I was in love for the first time. He happened to be my neighbor, my brother's friend, and the owner of my heart. I thought I went through some major pain when he hooked up with his girlfriend and brought her to my house on their first date. I had to drive by his house every day and see her car setting there. I thought that was hard. Now, it seems that pain is ten fold because I am old enough to realize what love is and how to truly experience it.

You know, you never let go of your first love. I really haven't but I have locked him away in a deep dark part of my heart and he could never hurt me anymore. Nor could I ever love him again. It's just a really strange thing to look back and see the passionate words I used to describe him and the way he made me felt. I don't do that anymore. I don't keep an up to date diary of my everyday feelings. This is as close as I get nowadays. I do have a journal that I write in whenever something bad happens in my life. About 15 pages are dedicated to my recent broken heart and I have closed out that chapter. Maybe my next entry will be one of pure happiness. I hope so, because it's full up of misery.

My friends and I are planning on attending an Emerson Drive concert next weekend. I'll have to fill you in on my Emerson Drive experience sometime. Just let me say, the drummer and bass player came to the bars with us. GOOD STUFF.... Anyway, the best friend of the girl that my ex cheated with is going with us. I don't really know how I will handle the situation but I hope I can be adult enough to not let it ruin my night. She had nothing to do with it and she was the reason I found out about it. I should be thanking her but I also know she will have her friends back no matter what. And, you know, the girl could be really nice but in my mind, if you go to a party at the age of 16 and sleep with a guy you just met at the party, then you don't rank very high in my book. You don't have much respect for yourself. Oh well, I'm slowly moving on...not letting go, but moving on.....

A Neutral Day....

Nothing exciting happened today. No major thoughts or breakdowns, no new prospects for love. Just a day gone by. Two more days of work and I'll be on vacation until after Christmas... It frightens me. How can I occupy my mind for 17 days in a row? What am I going to do? You know, I was thinking about where you go to meet new men. I don't believe you meet someone worth while in a bar. I don't really enjoy going to bars on a regular basis but where else can you go to pick up men? My cousin suggested the internet. Internet dating is in right now but for some reason, that scares the p*ss out of me. I guess I have some major trust issues.

I have been chatting with some guys and that has been fun. I get the feeling they would be really great guys to date if they were around here. But of course you have to wonder if those same guys would give you a second look if they passed you in the mall. You send them the pictures you think you look good in. You don't send them ones of how you really are. I guess you get to see what kind of personality a person has when you are chatting. I would like to think that is my strongest aspect. That's what keeps my Dale Jr dreams alive. I don't think I could win him over with my looks but if he would spend a week with me, I really think he would fall in love with my personality. I am proud of my personality. I might be a little pessimistic and a lot sarcastic but at least I'm fun. At least I like to make people laugh, if its at me or with me. I love to hear laughter, it's very addicting. Even my own laughter......

Being Single Sucks...

Good news, I'm not depressed because I don't have him anymore. Now I'm just depressed because I have no one to cuddle with. Yeah, I know, I'm not even really a cuddler but you know, I guess I really miss that. I miss sharing the couch with someone. I miss touching someone. You know, in the I'm-comfortable-with-you touching. When you are dating someone, you don't think about how close you are sitting and your bodies touching. You do when you are single. You don't want to invade anyone's personal space. I know when I went bowling with my friends, I started thinking about that.

One of my bestest friends is a guy. We've been friends since kindergarten when I would get in trouble during nap time because he would always sleep and I would always talk. In sixth grade I had the biggest crush on him. That lasted up until the eighth grade. He is really very attractive but of course you don't see that when you are close friends. I am sure he gets his share of looks from the girls but the poor guy has a hard time with relationships too. He is a truly nice guy, but for some reason girls don't want a nice guy. Which is kind of funny because I thought I had a nice guy, what every girl wanted but then he turned out to be an a$$ so I guess that is why I was attracted to him. Hell, I've never really dated a nice guy.

Anyway, when I was setting beside him, I was probably too close. I guess since were friends, he probably didn't really mind but of course I look back and think, I probably shouldn't have been that close. I just miss that. I miss feeling someone elses body heat warming me up. It's funny the small things you miss. I miss him painting my toenails, even though it took him every bit of 20 minutes to do it, I still miss that. I even miss his stupid conversation starter "guess what", even though it pissed me off, I miss it. Oh well, I'm sure I will find someone else that has little qualities that will make me forget his, but it just can't come soon enough.

I went shopping again today and I seen the girl he cheated with's best friend. I just kinda looked at her and wondered what she thought of me. I didn't say anything, I didn't do anything, just wondered what she was thinking. You know, cheating gets a really weird reaction from some people. My ex met alot of people through me. People that he benefited from. He got his job through one of my good friends. I didn't get anything like that from him. The only thing I could get from the people I met through him are drugs....and since I don't do drugs, thats kinda pointless. Anyway, he told my friend he works with that he cheated on me. Someone who I consider like a brother to me and my friend's reaction was, "hey, it happens everyday". That really hurt to know my friend didn't defend me. Well, the tables have turned on him, his girl cheated....but hey, I guess it happens everyday. Now he feels my pain. I do feel bad for him, but its hard to comfort someone who didn't defend me. I guess its a guys code or something. My girl friends would never do that to me. Course, if he would have seen me crying, he probably would have reacted differently.

Anyway, I would like to think that I made him a better person while I was with him. I pushed him to be better, to want more out of life. If it will stick, I don't know, but at least I made another contribution to better the world. It's hard to fix someone that broken though.....

Out of My Head....

Today started out pretty good. I awoke from another Dale Jr dream (can't get enough of those!!) and planned my day. I was gonna go christmas shopping. I picked out a pair of jeans and a shirt that I would look cute and thin in, in case I ran into any cute guys. I jumped in the shower, sang loudly again to the songs that remind me of my ex and got dressed. I even did my hair and put on makeup which is very rare for me, but hey, I'm back on the market, I need to look enticing. I put on a cute t-bog (for those of you in any other part of the country - a knit cap) and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked cute, at least I thought I did. I did get some looks during my shopping, but I didn't run into anyone I would have liked to run into....no, I don't mean my ex either.

You know, I kinda feel bad about the way I was with him. I never tried to look nice because I thought he loved me for how I was. I guess maybe if I would have tried harder to always look nice, maybe he wouldn't have strayed. I'm not gonna blame myself for that though. I will remember that in the future. I put on 10 lbs with him. I always struggled with my weight and that was really hard for me. When I started noticing the extra weight, I started feeling really unattractive and unsexy. It put a damper on our relationship. I obsessed over it day after day. It's gone now, and a few extra pounds with it... It's amazing what the HEARTBREAK diet will do for you. Since he cheated, I have lost 13 lbs and I feel alot sexier. Maybe if I lose 10 more, he will look at me and think I'm beautiful again. Maybe he will regret cheating on me. I realize I gain weight when I am happy, I lose weight when I am unhappy...go figure..

Anyway, it's 7:49pm on a Saturday night and I am home alone - slowly relapsing. During my day of shopping, I saw couples holding hands and kissing and sharing their christmas shopping experience. That was really hard for me. I was never the kind for PDA (Public Display of Affection) but I was with him. I was proud to be on his arm. He is very attractive and I never thought I could date someone so good looking. I always felt like the ugly girl with the hot boyfriend. You've all seen them in the mall, girls with hot guys who you think should be with equally hot girls. That's a hard feeling to deal with. Of course, he isn't as attractive as I thought he was...his personality and actions ruined that.

If I went out with the UPS man, I would be with someone much hotter than my ex. I read my UPS post again and I really hope that something comes of that. I imagined me and him walking hand in hand into my ex's workplace. People seeing me with many girls' fantasy guy. That would hopefully help my self esteem a bit. It probably won't happen but it's a nice thought. I create these scenerios in my head, just like me running into someone when I went shopping, then when it doesn't happen, I am disappointed. I just set myself up for disappointment. Anyway, saddness and depression are creeping in. Alone again on Saturday night....

Could the worst be over???

Well, I relapsed a little this morning when I woke up, but I pushed it outa my head with a vision of Dale Jr asking me out. That was nice!! I can create wonderful fantasies in my head when I want to. I got out of bed, remembered my interaction with the hot UPS man, smiled and started my day. I'm not going to say I didn't think about my ex all day because there were moments. I went back and read old chats that we had in the last month, most were arguing over the things he had done.

At one point in time during our broke-up-but-trying-to-work-it-out stage, I chatted with a rather attractive male online. He gave me his phone number. Low and behold, my ex decided to read my emails and discovered the number. He was hurt and I realized that, but all this occurred after a girl come into my work and said, he had given her his number and told her to call him sometime. This was after he told me, some girl left her name and phone number on his car and he called her. Maybe I'm wrong but if you are trying to work things out with someone you say you love, you wouldn't call a girl who left her number on your car. I mean, what reasons are their for a girl leaving her number? huh....not many. Maybe she just needed to borrow a cup of sugar or something...yeah right. These turn of events sent me into a rage. I was glad I got that guys number. Finally I had something to throw at him. It took me three days to call the guy though. I wasn't going to but then I thought, you know, he's moving on, so should I. I never told him I actually called the guy, but I did and it felt great. I finally did something that he did. I would never have done that had we still been together, but I was tired of him having all the fun. BUT, two wrongs don't make a right. It certainly didn't help our working-out process, obviously.

You know, I can honestly say I have no regrets. I have done my stupid things I probably shouldn't have done in my life but I don't regret anything. I have learned a valuable lesson from every stupid, idiotic thing. I wouldn't change anything I've done in my life because I wouldn't know the things I know today. I have done things most people would put in their regret files, but you know, if you learn from it, it wasn't a bad thing.

I have no regrets with my ex. We had a great 6 months and tons of great memories. We just let it slip away. We slipped for 10 months. I experienced the deepest love of my life so far with him and I experienced my first major heartbreak. He was the first person to break up with me. He was the first person I loved more than he loved me. He was the first person to ever cheat on me. Most people say you should never have to experience that pain, but it was good for me. I don't believe I could ever cheat on someone, but now I know I could never cheat on someone. After feeling that pain, I would never want to put anyone through it, not even him....

DING DONG, UPS is here....

OK, so today was another good day. I sang really loud in the shower. All the songs were songs that reminded me of him but I sang. I checked my email, he had emailed me. He dropped off my stuff at my work and he was going to pick his up. So, all is good with that, but at the end of every email he writes, "talk to you later". OK, so that really hurts. It's not true, it's just another tiny lie that feels like a pin prick to my heart. I'm still getting better.

On another note, I had that giddy crush feeling today. It was a great feeling and even greater to know I could follow through with it. The UPS man came today. Yeah, I know, everyone fanasizes about their UPS man. Anyway, my UPS man is HOT. And not just a little hot but burn-the-house-down HOT!! Oh so fine!! Anyway, I just finished watching Spiderman 2 *awesome movie, even though I did see it with my ex* and the doorbell rang. Luckily, I was lookin pretty cute and had some form fitting lounge clothes on. I answered the door to see a very nice looking backside walking away from me. You know, if a man can make UPS brown look good, you know he's pretty fine!!! Anyway, so I hollered his name and he shot me his award winning smile and mosied back over to the porch. We flirted like crazy. It had been so long since I flirted freely, I was surprised how it all came back to me. I even threw him the, "maybe we should get together sometime and...." line. He didn't respond by asking me out but he didn't shy away either. By the type of conversation we were having, I think he knew I was interested and I got the hint he might be too. When he got in his big brown truck to drive away, I had a grin from ear to ear. I called my best friend who shares my appreciation for UPS and told her my story. It really did brighten my day and week.... hell, it brightened my life. I'll live off the glow for a couple of days. Maybe that will get me through the weekend without any major thoughts of the ex. Well, I better get shoppin' online... Anywhere that ships UPS....

Heartbreak...

I wrote this a couple of days after I found out he cheated. I wrote it and posted it on his homepage that I built for him.*his ploy to spend time with me before he asked me out* My vindictive side came out because I knew he had no clue how to get it off of there. Of course, he will learn eventually, but until then, anyone going to his site can read it. I thought I would share it with you all.

HEARTBREAK

There’s a funny thing about heartbreak. Most of the pain you feel is in the heart area. It’s amazing that someone close to you could cause such a pain. The constant pressure in the chest and the knotting of the stomach, not to mention the countless tears that stream out of your eyes making them puffy and your cheeks chapped. It makes me wonder why we even love at all.

I’m a victim of heartbreak. I am a survivor of heartbreak, although I haven’t truly started to live again. One person can do something that will ruin a beautiful personality that took years to perfect. Sure, it will come back again; more guarded in the future, a heart more closed to love. One person can be responsible for locking away a person’s heart forever; the ultimate power.

Hindsight is twenty twenty so they say. Looking back, you can see the comings of a disaster. Keep all those things in mind and remember it for the next relationship. Basically, learn not to trust. Yeah, trust, the ever-elusive relationship staple. The one thing that you have to have to continue with someone. The important part of life. You have to trust every day, people in the other cars around you, the strength of the building you are in, the information you receive on the news. It seems so easy to trust; so easy to just know what is true and what isn’t. Then why is this so easy trust, so hard to grab a hold of in love? Is it human nature to hurt one another? Do people believe it is truly ok to cheat?

I’m not a religious person, nor am I a perfect person. I have my flaws, my insecurities, and my mistakes. The one thing I don’t have is the ability to lie. People say one of my flaws is the fact that I am so straightforward and I tell the truth, no matter what it is. I thought about this flaw and if I should fix it. I decided I would rather have this flaw than to hurt someone the way I have been hurt. To feel like your whole life has been flushed into the Ohio River and is floating out of existence. I would never want to hurt someone like that. Not a stranger, or especially someone I love. For me, that seems impossible.

Granted, everyone tells lies, most are small and insignificant, and others are huge and hurtful. No lie is a good lie, especially not in love. I’m a very guarded person. I keep my feelings to myself and I don’t give my heart to just anyone. I haven’t been hurt before, but I never wanted to be one of those people who were blinded and couldn’t see what was going on. But you know, you can’t live your life to the fullest without giving away your heart, maybe even a couple times. The most unlikely person will hurt you, but that hurt will only make you stronger. I don’t know that yet but that’s what I have been told. I have to believe that or this pain would eat me alive. This pain can make the strongest person so weak and helpless. It can slide a person into the deepest depths of depression. It can put a driven, ambitious person’s life in gridlock, basically at a standstill.

There is anger with the pain. Anger is the mechanism that helps you deal with such treachery. Anger tries to kill the love. Anger is never successful. It’s like the heart doesn’t listen to any other part of your body. The brain is saying, hate him for what he did, your heart is saying, love him for how he was. This can cause major turmoil within the body including upchuck reflex and lack of appetite. I would like anger to conquer all. I can deal with anger. It my case, anger hasn’t won a round yet, but the gloves are still up and anger’s still fighting for me.

It’s weird to think your prince charming can ride in on a white horse (or drive in in a white car) sweep you off your feet and carry you into the sunset just to drop you in a pit of skanky muddy water so you have to paw your way back out feeling dirty and disgusting. Taking every good thing about you, just to throw it away. But he can’t take it from you, it’s yours forever and you will always be a good person if you don’t stoop to his level. Keep your head up, that’s what I’m trying to do. Move on, it might be a slow uphill climb but at the top you will be stronger.

I am writing this for myself. I know what I have to do to get past this part of my life but it’s easier for me to read it like it wasn’t my idea. There are things I don’t want to let you of. I don’t want the one person that I truly loved to be out of my life, but knowing that love wasn’t reciprocated means I need to. The false since of security I had in his arms, being surrounded by his love wasn’t really there. It was all in my head and in my heart. Now I can truly say I was a fool in love.

Thanks to all my family and friends that have been with me through this. Thank you for not thinking less of your strong friend at her weakest moment. My life could not continue without you. Who needs love when you have friends as great as mine!!

I laughed today....

Things are looking up, I laughed today. I sang along with my radio (even though it was the Chris Cagle song, "I Breathe in, and Breathe Out") I even smiled. I can tally this in as the first good day in a while. It wasn't a 'satisfied with my life' day but it was good. I think my crying days are over, of course I don't wanna speak too soon, Christmas and New Years are around the corner.

I spoke to a friend today who is going through the same things I am. She was actually the girl who let me know that my boyfriend cheated. She also told me that he lied to me about the girl and the things that happened. You know, my first instinct was to run home and email him, asking why he lied, but you know what, I realized it doesn't matter. Everything after the fact doesn't matter. He did what he did, nothing can change that and nothing can ease my mind about it. She is having a rough time with her breakup too. She confessed to me that she wanted her man back, even after all the things he has done to her. She said she couldn't make it without him. I looked her in the eye and said, a very wise man told me, "You get who you deserve" she and I both deserve better. Our lying cheating men will get who they deserve, a lying cheating woman. I believe that too, with all my heart.

Although I'm not a religious person, I feel like God loves me. Or maybe it's just karma, I don't know for sure, but whatever it is, it feels good. My ex told me that someone hit his car in the parking lot where he works. Then, a week later, he hit a deer. He loves that car, it's probably his most prized possession. I believe in a way, God is punishing him for the way he treated me. God knows, because I tell him every night. Most nights I ask him to take away the pain and the hurt, other nights I ask for Him to bring him back to me. Last night I asked for help to move on. I think He helped me alittle and I think he frowns on people who cheat and hurt another. Maybe I'll start going to church.

I laughed today, I wanna laugh everyday. That's a big part of who I am. We put up the Christmas tree at work today, got it completely decorated and the tree stand broke and it toppled over. I laughed so hard. It felt good, no it felt GREAT!! I hope I laugh again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next... I hope I laugh for the rest of my life....

Day by day, Cathy says....

You know, I am lucky person. I look at my life and think it's sh*t but to step back and look, I have alot. I have a great family and I have the best group of friends in the world. I have so many people that love me for who I am and you know, that must mean I'm not a horrible person. My friends have been there for me through all of my hard times and all of my great times. Check out our website, The Klik Homepage They were with me when I got the news that he had cheated. They watched their strong friend crumble into a weak being. I know that had to have been really hard for them. Lisa never cries. Lisa did that day and many days after. That wasn't the Lisa they knew but they embraced me and talked to me and never really let me out of their sight. That is the greatest feeling. My very close friend, Cathy, has been my rock. She's older and has lived through most everything that has been thrown at me. Her advice, "Take it day by day, Lisa." This is what I'm trying to do. I know it must be hard for her too because she works with me every day. She sees the person I was and the person I am now. She worries about me. I am soo glad she is there....

Day by day, well today is a better day. Yesterday went from bad to worse. I got home from work and went through all of my pictures of me and him, saved them on a CD and then deleted them from my computer. I cried the whole time. I went and did my chores and asked advice from my horse and dogs. They always sense when I'm sad and they lick away my tears. Then I received an email from him. The floodgates opened. But you know, reading his emails keeps me focused on the person he is now. I have been dwelling in the first 6 months of our relationship which was the best time of my life, but I need to be thinking about the last 4. It did get bad, well not bad, but not the same.

I want to find someone where the love continues to grow stronger, not die off. I used to think this was my biggest problem in relationships but I realize that my love does continue to grow, just my showing it doesn't. He gave me a little nudge and I realized that I loved him so much. Of course he gave me the nudge, I went out of town - had an epiphany - came back and confessed my newfound deep love and he had already cheated. He excepted my newfound deep love graciously and he never told me he had found a new low (cheating). He let me set there, staring into his eyes, opening my heart completely to him. Sharing things I have never shared with anyone and he knew he had cheated. That was the moment I find the most hurtful of all. I changed to be the person he wanted but he had already let me go. He had already walked into a party and spent the night with a random girl. He was already over me, yet he still let me say those things. Yeah, I'm sure it stroked his ego and gave him a huge confident boost, especially after his exciting weekend. He was now "gods gift to women" (we all know a bunch of those). You know, he told her he didn't have a girlfriend. He called her the next day. She went to see him at his work. She found out from her friend that he had a girlfriend. I guess I wasn't the only one he lied to.

Today is a better day....so far. Tomorrow he will get his stuff from Cathy and I will not have to email him or speak to him again. He wants to stay in touch. He wants to be friends. In my experience with that is that he spent the last 4 months moving on before he told me. He was completely over me before he dumped me. I know because I did that once. Now I wish I could apologize to my ex that I did that too. I knew I hurt him, but I was already over him. Oh well, he's moved on and is getting married. I can honestly say I have very happy for him. It's easy to say that when there are no feelings. I said I wanted the recent him to be happy but in my heart, I really hope he's miserable. That bitterness will wear off after I find happiness again, or even just find myself again. I usually come out of these things ten times better than I went in. Geez, pretty soon I'll be wearing a halo....hhahahaa, just kidding. Well, that was my first joke of the blog. Things are looking up alittle. I still have plenty of steps to go and hope Christmas doesn't drop me back into the pit. Oh well, day by day.....