Late Night Rendezvous....

Tonight I hung out with an exboyfriend. Actually, he was my first real love... my first everything. Anyway, it's nice to spend time with someone you are comfortable around, even if the feelings that were once there are long gone. Course, I also blame him for alot of my issues with relationships. I was so wrapped up in him through high school that I let soo many opportunities pass me by. After my most recent breakup, I found my diary and looked into the past. I know that I made it through so tough times I never thought I could. I figured somewhere in my past would be the advice I need to get through the horrible pain of the present. I didn't find what I was looking for but I did see something I didn't see then.

My low self esteem has been an issue all through my life. I always thought in high school, no one wanted me. I didn't date much, only my ex. I didn't think anyone was interested in me. I figured he was the only one who would ever like me. Boy was I wrong. Page after page in my diary I wrote about the people who asked me out. The same people I used to have crushes on. In every entry I turned them down because me and my ex were going to get back together. I turned down some great guys because of my ex... and if you only could see where my ex is now and where some of them guys are, you would probably slap me. But, I was in love for the first time. He happened to be my neighbor, my brother's friend, and the owner of my heart. I thought I went through some major pain when he hooked up with his girlfriend and brought her to my house on their first date. I had to drive by his house every day and see her car setting there. I thought that was hard. Now, it seems that pain is ten fold because I am old enough to realize what love is and how to truly experience it.

You know, you never let go of your first love. I really haven't but I have locked him away in a deep dark part of my heart and he could never hurt me anymore. Nor could I ever love him again. It's just a really strange thing to look back and see the passionate words I used to describe him and the way he made me felt. I don't do that anymore. I don't keep an up to date diary of my everyday feelings. This is as close as I get nowadays. I do have a journal that I write in whenever something bad happens in my life. About 15 pages are dedicated to my recent broken heart and I have closed out that chapter. Maybe my next entry will be one of pure happiness. I hope so, because it's full up of misery.

My friends and I are planning on attending an Emerson Drive concert next weekend. I'll have to fill you in on my Emerson Drive experience sometime. Just let me say, the drummer and bass player came to the bars with us. GOOD STUFF.... Anyway, the best friend of the girl that my ex cheated with is going with us. I don't really know how I will handle the situation but I hope I can be adult enough to not let it ruin my night. She had nothing to do with it and she was the reason I found out about it. I should be thanking her but I also know she will have her friends back no matter what. And, you know, the girl could be really nice but in my mind, if you go to a party at the age of 16 and sleep with a guy you just met at the party, then you don't rank very high in my book. You don't have much respect for yourself. Oh well, I'm slowly moving on...not letting go, but moving on.....