Day by day, Cathy says....

You know, I am lucky person. I look at my life and think it's sh*t but to step back and look, I have alot. I have a great family and I have the best group of friends in the world. I have so many people that love me for who I am and you know, that must mean I'm not a horrible person. My friends have been there for me through all of my hard times and all of my great times. Check out our website, The Klik Homepage They were with me when I got the news that he had cheated. They watched their strong friend crumble into a weak being. I know that had to have been really hard for them. Lisa never cries. Lisa did that day and many days after. That wasn't the Lisa they knew but they embraced me and talked to me and never really let me out of their sight. That is the greatest feeling. My very close friend, Cathy, has been my rock. She's older and has lived through most everything that has been thrown at me. Her advice, "Take it day by day, Lisa." This is what I'm trying to do. I know it must be hard for her too because she works with me every day. She sees the person I was and the person I am now. She worries about me. I am soo glad she is there....

Day by day, well today is a better day. Yesterday went from bad to worse. I got home from work and went through all of my pictures of me and him, saved them on a CD and then deleted them from my computer. I cried the whole time. I went and did my chores and asked advice from my horse and dogs. They always sense when I'm sad and they lick away my tears. Then I received an email from him. The floodgates opened. But you know, reading his emails keeps me focused on the person he is now. I have been dwelling in the first 6 months of our relationship which was the best time of my life, but I need to be thinking about the last 4. It did get bad, well not bad, but not the same.

I want to find someone where the love continues to grow stronger, not die off. I used to think this was my biggest problem in relationships but I realize that my love does continue to grow, just my showing it doesn't. He gave me a little nudge and I realized that I loved him so much. Of course he gave me the nudge, I went out of town - had an epiphany - came back and confessed my newfound deep love and he had already cheated. He excepted my newfound deep love graciously and he never told me he had found a new low (cheating). He let me set there, staring into his eyes, opening my heart completely to him. Sharing things I have never shared with anyone and he knew he had cheated. That was the moment I find the most hurtful of all. I changed to be the person he wanted but he had already let me go. He had already walked into a party and spent the night with a random girl. He was already over me, yet he still let me say those things. Yeah, I'm sure it stroked his ego and gave him a huge confident boost, especially after his exciting weekend. He was now "gods gift to women" (we all know a bunch of those). You know, he told her he didn't have a girlfriend. He called her the next day. She went to see him at his work. She found out from her friend that he had a girlfriend. I guess I wasn't the only one he lied to.

Today is a better day....so far. Tomorrow he will get his stuff from Cathy and I will not have to email him or speak to him again. He wants to stay in touch. He wants to be friends. In my experience with that is that he spent the last 4 months moving on before he told me. He was completely over me before he dumped me. I know because I did that once. Now I wish I could apologize to my ex that I did that too. I knew I hurt him, but I was already over him. Oh well, he's moved on and is getting married. I can honestly say I have very happy for him. It's easy to say that when there are no feelings. I said I wanted the recent him to be happy but in my heart, I really hope he's miserable. That bitterness will wear off after I find happiness again, or even just find myself again. I usually come out of these things ten times better than I went in. Geez, pretty soon I'll be wearing a halo....hhahahaa, just kidding. Well, that was my first joke of the blog. Things are looking up alittle. I still have plenty of steps to go and hope Christmas doesn't drop me back into the pit. Oh well, day by day.....