Time still goes by....

A Rough year behind me...

I don't understand why I don't express my feelings on here like I used to.  It was a nice avenue to release some tension.  A way to express the things I feel I can't say out loud.  I don't really intend for anyone to read what I write except maybe me when I look back on my life and see how it's changed over the years.  

Moving away fixed a lot of my problems.  I am much happier than I would ever had been being where I didn't want to be.  In a since, I found myself.  I remarkably strong woman and a lot to offer to the world and a lot of great people to remind me that day in and day out.  

That being said, I left a lot behind too. Since I've moved, things, people continued to grow older and change.  Why, in this beautiful world I live it, I never thought that would happen.  First it was Molly.  That dog was so special to me and I never thought she would leave me, even though I left her.  Each time I would come home and she would be a little weaker, look a little older.  To me, she was still that puppy I got when I was 11 years old.  Sure, she was a little whiter in the face and moved a little slower but she was still the greatest dog in the world.  She always knew when I was sad and she always made me happy.  I was gone for less than a year when she died.  I never saw it coming, and bless my parents hearts, they certainly didn't clue me in.  Coming home was a little harder after that.  

Next there was Barbea.  I horse is supposed to live to 30 years old.  I got cheated out of 13.  Again, I never saw it coming.  She was a miracle, surviving a surgery no one expected her to.  She always whinnied when I would go to the barn and was always waiting for me.  After her surgery, I left her.  Though I left her in good hands, I still left.  When I came home when she was sick, I told her not to leave me.  I told her to hold on and fight.  She did for me.  They took her into surgery and put her under.  Then, we had to make the decision to let her go.  I'll admit that I couldn't do it.  Even though it was best for her, I couldn't make the decision and that fell on my Mother.  She was always the rock and she saw what I couldn't see.  That Barbea wasn't going to ever get better and to make her suffer was a terrible thing.  I'm grateful to her for making that decision.  Going home was a lot harder after that.

Then, in November, I lost the most special person in my life.  The one person that was everything good about me.  The one person who believed in me no matter what and let everyone know it.  My Grandma was the greatest lady to ever live.  For those of you that never met her, I want to apologize because you never had the priviledge of having her in your life.  For those of you who did, you should be thankful.  I know I am.  I was her favorite grandchild.  Everyone knew, and no one ever questioned it.  We were all special, but me and Grandma had a connection, a bond unlike anything in this world.  Sure, she was a pain sometimes but that was something I loved about her.  I would go over to her house and sit for hours.  We talked about everything.  When me and a boyfriend would break up, she was the shoulder I cried on.  She was always there, drunk after a party or after a fight with the parents, she was there.  And I tried to be there for her, taking her shopping, to drs appointments, etc... We were a pair.  I would help her when she needed it and she always helped me.  She was my world.  When I moved, saying goodbye to her was the hardest.  She always wanted me to be happy.  She never gave up on me finding happiness.  I moved alway and she got older.  I didn't see it happening.  I didn't hear it when Mom would tell me about Grandma's problems.  I was upset with my Mother when they put Grandma in a nursing home and I demanded she come home.  And she did, and she was Grandma, normal, jovial, awesome Grandma.  I talked with my cousins and they didn't think she would come home but she did.  Because she's an awesome person.  Nothing keeps her down.  Even with all that, I never realized she was getting older.  When she went back into the nursing home, I visited her.  I didn't want to see her there and I asked her, "You gonna go back home."  She looked at me and said "yes, it might take me longer but I'll get back there."  I don't know if she was saying that for my own benefit because she knew that's what I wanted to hear, or if she believed it but that was the last conversation I had with my Grandma.  And I believed with everything in my hear that she would be home the next time I saw her.

I got the phone call on a Friday at work.  My coworkers all know that if I get a personal call at work, it's not good.  Mom told me she wasn't doing well and they didn't expect her to make it.  All the 3o years that I've known my Grandma, I didn't tell her how much I loved her enough.  I owed her thousands of "I Love Yous"  I had to get home to tell her that.  And I did.  It was the longest hardest drive I've ever had to make.  When I got there and she said my name, I still didn't believe it was the end.  She kind of looked over me and mumbled "pretty".  I don't know if she was talking to me, but thats what I'm gonna believe.  I held her hand and kissed her forehead.  I didn't want her to go without knowing what she meant to me.  The family was there and I've never been so greatful to have such a great family.  She has left an amazing legacy in those she left behind.  She raised three amazing daughters who married three amazing men and raised 8 amazing children and Grandma kept us together, every holiday, sharing traditions and laughter that will live on forever.  And though I never knew my Grandpa, from what I've heard, it was an amazing man.  It's hard for me.  I was the favorite.  I am the only one she didn't see get married, and probably the most important one she wanted to see get married.  And when it happens, I don't think it will be the happiest day for me because she won't be there to smile at me and hug me.  

It's been two months and there hasn't been a day I haven't thought of her.  Going home is almost impossible now.  The important things I left behind left me.... 

Big steps in life....

Well, Again, it's been a long time....  I guess only major things in life merit the written (typed) word.  Well, I bought my first home.  I guess that means you've grown up when you put yourself in to debt like that.  To be a homeowner.  It's a very powerful thing and it makes me very proud.  It's not a mansion by any means, but it's mine and I'm doing it on my own.  That is the important thing.  To know I can exist, just me, is amazing.  True, I don't want to be alone forever but I know if I am, I can do it.  I'm independment and strong.  The funny thing is, the name of my road is Meigs Lane. Go figure.  I move 300 miles from Meigs County and end up living on Meigs Lane.  I guess you can take the girls from Meigs County but can't Meigs County outa the girl!  At least the people here don't know the story's behind it! 

Don't know why...

I don't know why I don't write more on this blog.  I guess it was a phase that has kinda passed.  Life is too busy now a days to stop and remember it.  I was doing some thinking today.  It'll be three years in July that I've lived away on my own.  You know, alot of people have a big fear that they will end up alone and not making any friends.  For my first year I was dating Pit Guy so I was surrounded by his friends who became my own... But I guess I held on longer to him for fear that I wouldn't have any friends just for me.  Boy was I wrong... I think back and I guess at one point I was scared.  I had such a large group of great friends in Ohio that I wouldn't be able to find that.  You know, good friends take time.  But I've come to realize, my group of friends I have hear are just as strong.  My bestest friend has my back no matter what.  My other best friend never lets me sit at home alone.  Yeah, I might not have a man in my life right now, but I have tons of friends.. And the great thing is, they are not all in one group.  I have friends from many different groups and I have friends of friends too.  And most importantly, none remain from my Pit Guy days.  Those friends weren't the people I wanted to be around.  

You know, since I've moved, I've went through some horrible things.  There isn't a day goes by I don't think about my Molly and BarBea and the fact that I left them and missed out on their last couple of years.  But I think in a way, they were trying to tell me it was OK to try and find my dream.  I hope they knew how much I loved them, even though I wasn't there.  

Moving away really does tell you alot.  It shows you who really cares and 
how much your family actually does love you.  It's kinda amazing.      

Falling apart.....

My world is falling apart.  I huge part of my died Monday night.  I got a call from my parents on Sunday that my horse, Barbea, was sick and the vet was coming Monday to look at her.  I decided to come home so I could be there to talk to the vet.  She was in soo much pain, it was horrible to watch her.  I just sat with her, rubbing her head and waiting for the vet.  She laid down several times and looked as if she was going to give up.  I looked at her and told her please don't give up.  And she didn't.  She would get back up and suffer the pain.  When the vet finally came, she recommended we take her back to Ohio State for surgery.  We loaded her up and took her.  The last time she saw me was when they were leading her into the room to put her under for the surgery.  She looked so sad but she wasn't giving up.  They took her into surgery and discovered an abcess that attached to several organs.  The surgen came out and said that he could not remove it and that she would continue to be in pain.  I couldn't make the decision, even though I knew what was best, I couldn't do it.  Finally I just said yeah... I had to give up on her.. After she fought through so much pain for me.  I let her go.  

For the last 15 years she's been there for me.  Loving me unconditionally, always happy to see me... For 13 years while I lived at home, every morning, every night I was taking care of her.  For the last 2, my father has been her caretaker.  It's as hard for him as it is for me.  At least I don't have to wake up every morning and know, I no longer have to go to the barn.  I don't even have to look at the barn.   Every time the family went anywhere, me and my dad, around chore time would always say "oh, Barbea's gonna be pissed because we are late."  She used to always let us know when she was pissed because she would poop in the middle of the stall instead of her designated corner like usual.  She would always whiny when she heard the house door open.  She knew we were coming.  

She was a miracle.  They never expected her to make it through the last surgery 2 and a half years ago, but she did.  She gave us more time to love her.  2 years I missed since I moved away.

I got her for my 13th, birthday.  I was at band camp during my birthday and when I came home, I was tired.  My dad kept saying, don't you want to say hi to Molly... I said, I'll see her in the morning, I'm gonna go to sleep, but he insisted.  When I went outside, there was a beautiful 2 year old bay horse walking around in the yard.  She was supposed to be tied to the basketball pole but she snapped her lead and was roaming free.  I remember my dad going after her calling her Greg.  She was won in a poker game by a breeder and when my parents went to pick her out, the guy didn't even have her papers yet so he sold her for $1200.  Several weeks after he sold her, he got her pedigree and realized she was worth much more and tried to buy her back but she was already a member of the family.  No amount of money could have ever separated me and her.  Just like nothing is going to ever take the place of her.

For those who know me, you have probably seen the tattoo of the bay horse on my right foot.  Yeah, that's her.  She will be with me always.  I love you, Barbea.  

Time flys by....

I really don't understand why I've been waiting soo long between posts... It's kind of weird... So, let me get you up to speed...

I passed the year mark on my past relationship and there hasn't been anyone to really fill that hole... At least not that deep love hole. I hate to say but I checked up on my ex today. He seems to be doing really good. Looks like he has his life in order with a new someone and seems like he's cleaned up his act. Good for him. Even though I had to say it, I'm happy for him. He's become the man I wanted him to be...just a little late. Of course I'm just assuming all that....

I have been hanging out with some new people, one in particular. It's causal right now and I don't really know where it's headed but I have fun with him and we have some common interests. He's quiet like some of my previous boyfriends... which is good for me in a way because I shine and be the center of attention like I like too. I'm still looking for the three things that will make me happy. None of them have come though.

Vegas celebrated her first birthday this past week. She's doing great and she makes me smile every day. One of my friends is engaged and she asked me this past weekend to be a bridesmaid. I will say that I am honored. We've been friends since January and I didn't really think I was at the top of her list. I think the world of her and I'm glad she asked me to be there for her special day.

Stuff like that puts things into perspective. I have people that love me here... yeah, it might not be a special someone right now, but several of them. I would like to say I'm happy with my life. I'm happy with the people I surround myself with. I have almost completely pulled away from those linking me to my ex and that is a wonderful thing. I realize that the people I surround myself with now are a better group for me.
I'm not saying the other group was bad, my friends now are just a better fit. It's funny how you realize some people change you. Some for the better, but others for the worst...

Lesson learned....

HUGE day in racing history...

Yesterday, Dale Earnhardt Jr made an announcement that will echo through racing like a tidal wave.  He is leaving the company his father built, Dale Earnhardt, Inc.  Of course, that means there will probably be no more Budweiser number 8 on the track after this year (unless Teresa Earnhardt does the one thing to save face and avoid total alienation from Earnhardt Nation and release the number 8 to whatever team Jr decides to drive for...which I doubt she will do).  I was late to work because I was watching the press conference of a visibly emotional Dale Jr talk about his future without DEI.  Although he probably now has the chance to win a championship and finally show his true talent, it is a sad day.  

I used to have alot of respect for Teresa Earnhardt.  She went through some hard times and she excelled...but to keep the Earnhardt family out of the business, to let Dale Earnhardt's legacy walk away... it's just crazy.  See what money can do to you?  

Jr will be fine.  He will come out of this with bells on.  He IS the good guy.  Teresa WILL be the villian and DEI will probably slowly fade away until an Earnhardt bloodline takes the helm.