Falling apart.....

My world is falling apart.  I huge part of my died Monday night.  I got a call from my parents on Sunday that my horse, Barbea, was sick and the vet was coming Monday to look at her.  I decided to come home so I could be there to talk to the vet.  She was in soo much pain, it was horrible to watch her.  I just sat with her, rubbing her head and waiting for the vet.  She laid down several times and looked as if she was going to give up.  I looked at her and told her please don't give up.  And she didn't.  She would get back up and suffer the pain.  When the vet finally came, she recommended we take her back to Ohio State for surgery.  We loaded her up and took her.  The last time she saw me was when they were leading her into the room to put her under for the surgery.  She looked so sad but she wasn't giving up.  They took her into surgery and discovered an abcess that attached to several organs.  The surgen came out and said that he could not remove it and that she would continue to be in pain.  I couldn't make the decision, even though I knew what was best, I couldn't do it.  Finally I just said yeah... I had to give up on her.. After she fought through so much pain for me.  I let her go.  

For the last 15 years she's been there for me.  Loving me unconditionally, always happy to see me... For 13 years while I lived at home, every morning, every night I was taking care of her.  For the last 2, my father has been her caretaker.  It's as hard for him as it is for me.  At least I don't have to wake up every morning and know, I no longer have to go to the barn.  I don't even have to look at the barn.   Every time the family went anywhere, me and my dad, around chore time would always say "oh, Barbea's gonna be pissed because we are late."  She used to always let us know when she was pissed because she would poop in the middle of the stall instead of her designated corner like usual.  She would always whiny when she heard the house door open.  She knew we were coming.  

She was a miracle.  They never expected her to make it through the last surgery 2 and a half years ago, but she did.  She gave us more time to love her.  2 years I missed since I moved away.

I got her for my 13th, birthday.  I was at band camp during my birthday and when I came home, I was tired.  My dad kept saying, don't you want to say hi to Molly... I said, I'll see her in the morning, I'm gonna go to sleep, but he insisted.  When I went outside, there was a beautiful 2 year old bay horse walking around in the yard.  She was supposed to be tied to the basketball pole but she snapped her lead and was roaming free.  I remember my dad going after her calling her Greg.  She was won in a poker game by a breeder and when my parents went to pick her out, the guy didn't even have her papers yet so he sold her for $1200.  Several weeks after he sold her, he got her pedigree and realized she was worth much more and tried to buy her back but she was already a member of the family.  No amount of money could have ever separated me and her.  Just like nothing is going to ever take the place of her.

For those who know me, you have probably seen the tattoo of the bay horse on my right foot.  Yeah, that's her.  She will be with me always.  I love you, Barbea.