Why.... the song

WHY

It's 3 AM and I finally say
I'm sorry for acting that way
I didn't really mean to make you cry
Oh baby, sometimes I wonder why

Why does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you

I know I'd never let you walk away
So why do I push you 'til you break
And why are you always on the verge of good-bye
Before I'll show you how I really feel inside

Why does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you


I love this song. And it kinda fits my ex to a T. I remember after he said the mean things he said to me and we were going to the Olive Garden to eat, this song came on (I had it on my cd) and I said, this is soo you... And he said, no, it's you. Ha, kinda funny... It means soo much more now. Only, I'm sure he's not asking himself Why? I guess I only do that. Huh.... interesting....

Need understanding....

OK, it's been two and a half weeks since the break up. I'm still doing good. But I have been doing alot of thinking. I'm still waiting for the "talk" from the ex. He did email me and give me a preview of what is to come, if it ever comes... Of course the email got me thinking. So here it goes... my thoughts...

First of all, I believe I am a great catch. Someone should be happy to have me and enjoy their time with me. I am funny, loyal, and I have a great personality. I am not shy and I'm not scared to laugh at myself. I love to see people laugh and smile, and I hope that I can do that for them. I am a good friend. If I'm needed I will be there. I will listen (even though I'm not exceptionally good at it, when I need to step it up, I do) and I will give advice. I will also understand why a friend does something that others think they shouldn't. e.g. staying with someone. I will stand by that friend for that reason, I am a friend. Now, on the other hand, not everyone is a friend to me. You must earn my trust and friendship. I'm not a friend just because I know you.

Second, all the above being said, I DO realize that I am a difficult person to be with. I am not the total victim in all my break ups like reading this blog would have you believe. I have my fair share of flaws but since this is MY blog to make ME feel better, I choose not to place blame on me. When I'm dating someone, I guess I am not easy to talk to. I don't know why I'm not, but I'm not. I need a huge jolt to get me to actually listen to the other person and comprehend what it is they are trying to say. I take things that are said and hear them the wrong way, seeing them as an attack on my personal self. I take everything to heart. Even if the person tries to explain, I cannot hear the explaination because I'm angered by my first thought. I am a very bossy person who likes to have things her way. In my past relationship, I did learn to compromise on some things. More so than ever before. I guess that comes with growing older. I realize that those reading this who know me, understand what I'm saying. It's kinda like a great person comes with great flaws also. Me, I'm flawed and I push people away.

Don't take this post as me trying to blame myself for everything that's happened to me. I just need people to understand that the guys I have dated are not horrible people. Actually they are very good people or I wouldn't have dated them in the first place. And the reason we couldn't make it was the combination of both person's. My lack to listen and their lack to stand up for themselves and make me listen.

I hope everyone understands what I'm trying to say. Don't judge someone by my opinion. It's exactly that....mine...

Almost two weeks....

Wow, let me tell you what.... time flys... The last week has been full of unexpected crazy things, none which I care to elaborate on. All very meaningful and life altering, but all which I will deal with in private. I've been working on my friendships for the last week. A friend needed me and I stepped it up and helped him through some hard times. I still don't think he gets it, but I do care deeply for my friends. I hung out this weekend with some friends from work.

Friday night I went out after work for a drink with a buddy. I actually had a great time. A guy hit on my at the bar and that made me smile. I knew my night was gonna start to suck when I got home so the attention was very flattering. The ex called and said he wanted to "talk". I had a bad feeling about it, so I made sure I enjoyed my time out with my friend before I let it get to me. Well, the ex never did show up to talk. I'm actually totally fine with it.

Saturday I hung out with my closest girlfriend down here. We had a great time. We went to her friend's house (which is worth 1.2 million dollars) and lounged in a kick ass pool drinking peach belini's. Very awesome, very relaxing, very real. It's nice to have friends like that.

I can't believe I have been single for two weeks and I haven't had a breakdown. I'm not going to say he's totally out of my life completely but I am definitely single. I am looking out for number one and I'm gonna find what makes ME happy. And I mean, happy all the time. That's what I want. Happiness....

Almost a week....

Well, it's been almost a week. I hung out with my one friend Friday night. I went shopping with another on Saturday and hung out today with some friends. I'm not alone, that is for sure. Of course I do have to say this... He did call me on Friday night. It did make me realize that he hasn't forgotten about me so I slept better. But today I discovered more things about him I never knew. Things that if I had known, probably would have changed the way I felt about him. But I didn't know so I did they the way I did. I feel sorry for him. He's messed up his life pretty bad. I don't mean just losing me either, there are other circumstances that he's going to have to deal with. Not good. I tried to help him. I tried to show him that he was self destructing. I guess he didn't care.

He called for help Friday night. I couldn't help him. If I could have, I would. That's just how I am. If someone asks for help, I will try my best. I do feel bad that I couldn't. I hope he makes it through everything that he's going to have to deal with now. I told him that I would be there for him through this, but then I'm done. It's no longer my problem. But, he hasn't called so I guess he doesn't need my help. I have mixed emotions about that. I guess in a huge way, I love to be needed. I love to be the person that friends know they can count on for help. I am that type of person and I don't believe that falls into the 'bad person' category.

With the help of friends, I see the way now. I see that I am not a bad person. I am not responsible for his actions. I cannot help someone who doesn't want help. I am a strong person and good things are just around the corner for me.

Need Sleep.....

I'm doing really good. I'm on my fourth day of get over him and I'm doing rather well. I have my weekend planned out so I won't be setting at home. My only problem is, I can't sleep. I mean, I can, I get to sleep but if I wake up in the middle of the night I'm done for. My whole relationship comes flooding back and my stupid brain starts going in overtime 'what could I have done differently?''what did I do wrong?''why did he treat me so badly?''is he right, am I a bad person?''could I have helped him?''should I have stuck it out and tried to help him more?''does he truly believe everything he said to me?''did he ever love me at all?''is he doing the same thing I am, missing me?''why did he say he wanted to be with me forever?''why the games?''why hurt me on purpose?'.... I'm sure you can get the hint, it's really really annoying.

Damn brain. Who needs it!! I freakin' finally did what it was telling me to do for a long time. I ignored the heart and now the brain is working against me. I don't get it. You know, usually my heart will ache but that's not the problem this time. OK, I take that back, my heart aches alittle. But that's something I can deal with. This brain thing isn't. Even through Tylenol PMs, the brain comes through loud and clear. Almost like it's me yelling at me. Of course then I get alittle of the 'you're never find anyone else''you're 26 years old and just lost your chance of a future with someone you love''if you weren't fat, he wouldn't have treated you that way''you don't deserve better'.... I think they make pills for this stuff. You know, nothing my brain is saying surprises me. I mean, I know that I'm not obese but my brain has never looked in the mirror and said, 'you're skinny.' Never.

My brain has never seen a glass half full. Nothing good ever happens to me, something is always gonna happen to prove that. Of course that's kinda right. Even my grandmother said it, she said it was like God sent you down where you wanted to be and you met a man you fell in love with. This is true, but it seemed more like punishment for me to fall in love and then be told by that person that you are horrible. I'm sure there is a reason that I was sent down here and you know, maybe it was to meet pit guy and help him through some tough times. Maybe I helped him as much as I could and God said, OK, it's time to move on. He needs to do it on his own now. You know what's really sad, I would have went to the ends of the earth to help him with his problems. I would have walked through fire, if only it would help him. But he didn't want help and therefore, he threw away someone who loved him and cared for him. Someone who would have loved him for the rest of his life.

People don't change. You know, actually I didn't even want him to change, I wanted him to fix his problems. Problems are going to hurt him in the future. I wanted him to see what I saw behind all his problems. The man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I'm serious. Even after every mean hurtful thing he said to me throughout our relationship, I could still look into his eyes and see the man I wanted to marry. Yeah, he wasn't on the surface but inside he's there. And he's still there. I just didn't have the strength to stick it out to the very end. He will make someone a wonderful husband when he realizes his problems.

After telling my story to a friend, he said 'how does he expect a snake to bite if he's already killed it?'. After he put me down to where I felt an inch tall, he told me he loved me. He had already killed it. When he looked over at me and tears were streaming from my eyes, he should have known it was gone. Those words can't bring it back.

Man, I need to quit dwelling on this and get over it. I'm sure he has. Keep my chin up and keep going. There are more fish in the sea. Some with a lot less problems and baggage. I hope I hook one of those.

Another day down...

I have made it through another day with no tears. I will admit that I have entered the bitter stage. I did go see CARS last night with my friend, Roush Guy. This whole thing has brought me and him even closer since the 'other girl' was his ex girlfriend. We had talked about it when they started dating that if they ever broke up and me and pit guy ever broke up that his and mine would get together. We've said that from the get go. I guess his ex called him yesterday to ask why I was mad at her. Let me just say, RESPECT. When my ex-pit guy had a problem with me being friends with Roush Guy, we didn't hang out alone anymore. We still talked on the phone but I respected my boyfriend enough to not do something that made him feel uncomfortable. You do that when you love someone. Well, at least most of the people I associate with would.

But I guess I don't date those types.

Anywho....Cars was a great movie and several scenes with Dale Jr in them. It was totally totally cute!! It made me smile and laugh. It was funny because yesterday I went back and read the first couple postings of this blog. I was at a place I am right now but a whole lot worse. I know I loved Pit Guy more and I had him painted into my future with a cute little house and some dogs and maybe even a little one running around. But I think the key factor in this is I know the exact moment I fell out of love. It was last Monday when I found out he had spent time with this other girl and I got upset about it. That was when he said I was a horrible person and I didn't deserve any friends or to be treated any better than he treated me. At that moment my whole future painting evaporated and my heart let go. I know, I should have broken up with him that night and I did try to leave but I just thought he would apologize for it and say he didn't mean it. That never happened.

It's hard to keep loving someone when they think so lowly about you. I truely believe he meant and believed every word he said. I also believe that he thinks the same way about himself. I think that he knew he was in the wrong and he wanted me to feel as badly as him... mission accomplished. Little does he know, that was the defining moment in our relationship. That and when he said he was looking for someone else and when he finds her, I'm history. Who actually says that to their significant other???? I mean seriously..

Let me tell you though, he knew I loved him and he knew I would do anything for him. I still would have if he wouldn't have said those words to me. I will always love him in a way but I KNOW I deserve to be treated better. I am not the greatest girlfriend but if a guy treated me the same way I treated him, I would be satisfied.

My dream man would be someone like my father. If I could find someone half the man of my father I would be happy. I seriously think all the good ones are gone though. I guess that's probably why I haven't dated many people. I have had 3 serious boyfriends in my life. Yeah, just 3. I don't have a huge list and I tried to make each one work. This last one was the shortest at 11 months. The longest was a year and a half. I guess long term isn't for me. The other foot always drops.

If Mr. One Leg is out there, please come and find me!!!

36 hours and counting....

Well, I've made it the first 36 hours of the breakup. I have only had 4 hours of depression, 30 minutes of thinking I'm a loser, and 1 hour of being pissed off. I think I'm doing really really good. Don't get me wrong, I do miss him like crazy, but the missing feeling is better than the 'you're-a-piece-of-crap' feeling. My friend told me to make a list of WHY it was right to end it. I'm gonna try to do that.

I found out some new information also. I guess while I was out of town for my brother's wedding, he went to a bar with another girl. I know most of you will think he was cheating.....well, in all honesty, I know the girl. If he did, he was taking a huge step down so the piece of information did not cut me too bad. She is actually the one who really finalized the breakup.

I didn't break up with him for inviting another girl over, I broke up with him for putting me down last week. The girl was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I deserve more respect than that. He says he's not dating her or whatever but you know, he will and again, I will be right. She is probably the only person that would ever marry him and put up with his crap forever and that's sad...for her.

It's time to live for Lisa. I've almost forgotten what that is like. I'm not searching for anyone. I'm gonna do my own thing and when I'm ready for someone to walk into my life, so be it. Right now it's Lisa time.

The WHY I DID THE RIGHT THING list
1. I couldn't be myself with him. He hated everything about the real Lisa.
2. I deserve better than to be told I'm not a good person.
3. His drinking. He has a problem and I couldn't fix it.
4. His mood swings. I never knew if it was gonna be a good day or a bad day.
5. His temper. He scared me sometimes. No one should be scared of the one they love.
6. His selfishness. Do you know he didn't even look at my pictures from the wedding? He didn't even care about me.
7. His gambling problem. It was getting better in the end but I don't think it was completely gone.
8. He didn't know me at all. He said I wasn't a good friend, most of my friends will protest that one.
9. His need to be in control. When he was gone on the weekends, he wanted me to stay home and do nothing.
10. His jealousy. Every trip I made home created a fight. I went home to cheat on him everytime. Yeah right.


Well, that's the list. I could probably add more to it but those things really bothered me. I guess they don't bother me now. Well, stick around because I'm sure I'm gonna be on a roller coaster from emotional hell. If anything, you can get a good laugh out of it.

So my friend roush guy is taking me to see "CARS" tonight. He's a great friend and I don't know what I would do without him. See, I'm not a bad person, people still love me.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done....

You know. My life is good. I am in a place with tons of opportunity and good people. I have a decent job with great people who think the world of me. I have several friends that I truly and honestly value and I know they truly value me. Life is good. My life should get better now. The one thing in my life that was making me sad and putting me down is gone. I am now single.

I know what you all are thinking. Why am I now seeing the light?!?! Well, there was a moment last week where pit guy said some things to me that finally woke me up from my love induced trance. I finally realized I deserved to be treated better. The moment he told me that I was a horrible friend to my friends and that I didn't deserve any friends and I didn't have any anyway. That was the moment. Me, sitting there in tears, listening to him tell me that finally made me realize, "man, why an I with a person who thinks this about me?" But my bigger question was, "if I am this person he is speaking of, Why is HE with ME???"

I am sure that in the days to come, loneliness will set in and I will defend him and believe I was in the wrong. I was the one that poisoned the relationship and he could have been the one..... Just so you all know, I know that that isn't true. I might write about it later but remember, I do know what's right and what's wrong. Sometimes I just choose to believe my heart instead of my brain.

He didn't cheat on me....that I know of. I think he was really close to it though. He kept telling me he was looking for someone else. You know, I just don't get why he would hold on to me until he found that someone. Why put someone through that, and yourself? Why keep telling the person you don't want to be with anymore that you love them? I don't get it and I probably never will.

Now, I plan on focusing on me. I don't need a man to make me complete (although it is nice!) I just need to listen to my friends and start believing what they tell me. I AM a good person and I DO deserve better. Don't feel bad for me because I have finally got my strength to believe in myself. Thanx to all that helped me find that again.....

Big Bro got married.....

Well, it's been a long long weekend... My big brother has finally tied the knot to his girlfriend of 7 years.... It actually was a great great wedding with great food and great people. My mother thrives on that stuff. She had the decorations perfect and everything. My father wore a tux and it took my breath away. It was an amazing weekend.

Makes me kinda sad. Makes me realize that I am far from that. I wouldn't want a big elaborate wedding, but I would won't a companion for life. I'll cross my fingers and hope it happens.