A Rough year behind me...

I don't understand why I don't express my feelings on here like I used to.  It was a nice avenue to release some tension.  A way to express the things I feel I can't say out loud.  I don't really intend for anyone to read what I write except maybe me when I look back on my life and see how it's changed over the years.  

Moving away fixed a lot of my problems.  I am much happier than I would ever had been being where I didn't want to be.  In a since, I found myself.  I remarkably strong woman and a lot to offer to the world and a lot of great people to remind me that day in and day out.  

That being said, I left a lot behind too. Since I've moved, things, people continued to grow older and change.  Why, in this beautiful world I live it, I never thought that would happen.  First it was Molly.  That dog was so special to me and I never thought she would leave me, even though I left her.  Each time I would come home and she would be a little weaker, look a little older.  To me, she was still that puppy I got when I was 11 years old.  Sure, she was a little whiter in the face and moved a little slower but she was still the greatest dog in the world.  She always knew when I was sad and she always made me happy.  I was gone for less than a year when she died.  I never saw it coming, and bless my parents hearts, they certainly didn't clue me in.  Coming home was a little harder after that.  

Next there was Barbea.  I horse is supposed to live to 30 years old.  I got cheated out of 13.  Again, I never saw it coming.  She was a miracle, surviving a surgery no one expected her to.  She always whinnied when I would go to the barn and was always waiting for me.  After her surgery, I left her.  Though I left her in good hands, I still left.  When I came home when she was sick, I told her not to leave me.  I told her to hold on and fight.  She did for me.  They took her into surgery and put her under.  Then, we had to make the decision to let her go.  I'll admit that I couldn't do it.  Even though it was best for her, I couldn't make the decision and that fell on my Mother.  She was always the rock and she saw what I couldn't see.  That Barbea wasn't going to ever get better and to make her suffer was a terrible thing.  I'm grateful to her for making that decision.  Going home was a lot harder after that.

Then, in November, I lost the most special person in my life.  The one person that was everything good about me.  The one person who believed in me no matter what and let everyone know it.  My Grandma was the greatest lady to ever live.  For those of you that never met her, I want to apologize because you never had the priviledge of having her in your life.  For those of you who did, you should be thankful.  I know I am.  I was her favorite grandchild.  Everyone knew, and no one ever questioned it.  We were all special, but me and Grandma had a connection, a bond unlike anything in this world.  Sure, she was a pain sometimes but that was something I loved about her.  I would go over to her house and sit for hours.  We talked about everything.  When me and a boyfriend would break up, she was the shoulder I cried on.  She was always there, drunk after a party or after a fight with the parents, she was there.  And I tried to be there for her, taking her shopping, to drs appointments, etc... We were a pair.  I would help her when she needed it and she always helped me.  She was my world.  When I moved, saying goodbye to her was the hardest.  She always wanted me to be happy.  She never gave up on me finding happiness.  I moved alway and she got older.  I didn't see it happening.  I didn't hear it when Mom would tell me about Grandma's problems.  I was upset with my Mother when they put Grandma in a nursing home and I demanded she come home.  And she did, and she was Grandma, normal, jovial, awesome Grandma.  I talked with my cousins and they didn't think she would come home but she did.  Because she's an awesome person.  Nothing keeps her down.  Even with all that, I never realized she was getting older.  When she went back into the nursing home, I visited her.  I didn't want to see her there and I asked her, "You gonna go back home."  She looked at me and said "yes, it might take me longer but I'll get back there."  I don't know if she was saying that for my own benefit because she knew that's what I wanted to hear, or if she believed it but that was the last conversation I had with my Grandma.  And I believed with everything in my hear that she would be home the next time I saw her.

I got the phone call on a Friday at work.  My coworkers all know that if I get a personal call at work, it's not good.  Mom told me she wasn't doing well and they didn't expect her to make it.  All the 3o years that I've known my Grandma, I didn't tell her how much I loved her enough.  I owed her thousands of "I Love Yous"  I had to get home to tell her that.  And I did.  It was the longest hardest drive I've ever had to make.  When I got there and she said my name, I still didn't believe it was the end.  She kind of looked over me and mumbled "pretty".  I don't know if she was talking to me, but thats what I'm gonna believe.  I held her hand and kissed her forehead.  I didn't want her to go without knowing what she meant to me.  The family was there and I've never been so greatful to have such a great family.  She has left an amazing legacy in those she left behind.  She raised three amazing daughters who married three amazing men and raised 8 amazing children and Grandma kept us together, every holiday, sharing traditions and laughter that will live on forever.  And though I never knew my Grandpa, from what I've heard, it was an amazing man.  It's hard for me.  I was the favorite.  I am the only one she didn't see get married, and probably the most important one she wanted to see get married.  And when it happens, I don't think it will be the happiest day for me because she won't be there to smile at me and hug me.  

It's been two months and there hasn't been a day I haven't thought of her.  Going home is almost impossible now.  The important things I left behind left me....