It always happens to me.....

Merry Christmas....yeah, right. Well, yesterday was the end for Pit Guy and me. I don't know why I find it so freakin hard to find happiness. Why my heart always gets broken. I was the one who ended it, but he had made up his mind a long time ago that we would make it through Christmas and then break up. He said that around the time of my last post. You can't change someone, you can't fix their problems, and they are not going to fix them because they love you. Again, another hard lesson learned. I'm not saying it's all his fault. For those who know me, I'm a very hard person to get along with, but I'm worth it. At least I thought I was. I guess he's just as hard as me to get along with. The end was rather unusual. We had packed up everything in his truck for our trip to see my family and his sister. We didn't even get off my road when we had an argument about money and and yelled at me. I told him just to take me back to my car and I'll go by myself, he wasn't gonna ruin my Christmas ...ha, too late!! First, he took me to the ATM to give him half of the money that we had, didn't even leave enough to pay the rent and then he dropped me off at my car, packed my stuff in and said, "See you when you get back." I told him, if we can't make it through Christmas together then he's moving out... He said, "well, I don't see why I need to do that but if that's what you want, I guess I'll move out." That was it. He told me to have a safe trip and tell everyone hi then tried to kiss me. I turned away. The end.... over, done, finished. I was really worth a fight, wasn't I?!?!?!?! He got his Browns vs. Steelers tickets, he got what he wanted for Christmas. Gawd, setting here writing this, it makes me feel really really puthetic... I don't if I feel used, hurt, or just plain stupid, but I don't feel good. I guess the whole relationship was one big game... He played me like you wouldn't believe. He told me things like, "we are gonna be together forever" and the stupid phrase "I love you". I don't throw them words around. They mean something to me but when he said them, I had to always second guess them... does he really? Would he treat me like he does if he really did?? Those words mean nothing to me now.

Well, I'm home with family, where I need to be for a heartache. I guess I will deal with the pain and loneliness when I get back. You know, somewhere in my stupid warped mind, I really thought he could be the one...I'm an idiot.....

It's been awhile....

Well, I guess you can't be happy all the time.... Kinda having a rough weekend. Things are not looking good for Pit Guy and me. We have been together five months and for the most part they have been really good. Just one little slip this weekend has kinda had my heart flip flopping. You know, it's something I can let go of but do I really want to. I guess I'm thinking about my future and it's something that will only cause me pain in the future too. I guess you really can't change a person and a person must really love you to try to change for you... I guess he did for a while but he's resorted back to his old ways and I can't go through it again. For some reason he doesn't see where he was wrong and he won't talk to me about it. I guess I'll give it a couple more days before I decide if he's really worth it. To me, right now, he really is. He's a great guy and I really do love him with all my heart. But, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to fix things. At a time like this, I'm really homesick for my friends and family. I really feel terribly alone. I hope things work out and that's all I really have on my christmas list. Let things get better. We had a great couple of weeks and now it's all kinda crumbling. I hope we can get it back.... Well, thanx for listening, er reading....