As if anything could happen...

Yeah, I know, as if anything could have happened between last night and this morning. Well, let me tell ya, not much sleep and a whole lot of thinking. For some reason, I just can't get him out of my head. Of course, last night was an official week that we have been offically broke up forever. That was a major conquest, but I'm surprised about how NOT WELL I'm doing. It has almost been two months since he cheated on me. I just need to get over it and move on. Anyway, i guess what spurred all this new pain is the fact that we are gonna make a switch of the stuff we had left of eachothers. We have emailed a couple of times and it just seems everytime I see his email in my inbox, I don't know what it is, a since of hope, maybe, tears through me. I hate that because I read it, all I hear is "It's completely over".

Also, today I got pictures back that I sent to get developed. 85% of them are of me and him. You wouldn't believe how happy we looked either. Gawd, did that do it to me!! Does anyone know how to fully let go??? I told him I couldn't see him when we made the switch. Is that wrong?? I mean, geez, his memory is enough to put me into a depression so deep, I don't think I'll ever get got of it. I don't even know what seeing him would do.... well, yeah I do. Begging and crawling. I did THAT after he cheated on me??? Why do girls do that?? After I did nothing wrong, I felt the need to CRAWL back to him, BEG him to take ME BACK!!! I realize how stupid that is now.

Anyway, I guess I'll leave it today at that. I will remember how stupid I was to crawl and remind myself I should never crawl to someone who hurt me soo bad. Hard lesson learned.....

My first post

Hello all. This blog is kinda a step to move on. A big part of my life as ended and for the past couple of days, I didn't know how I was gonna make it through it. I know we have all been there, but for some reason, it never gets easier. This has mostly to do with my recent breakup from my boyfriend of a year and four months, but more to do with the changes I need to make in my life. I guess we all need a reality check every once in a while to let ourselves know that we have flaws too. Although, I don't believe my flaws merited having my heart ripped out and stomped on, it still opened my eyes to see the way I push people away but also that I am a good person too.

My boyfriend cheated on me. This was the first time I have ever been cheated on and it is the worst feeling on my life. Of course, afterwards, my self esteem dropped like a brick (and it wasn't that great to begin with) and I tried to figure out why he would do such a thing? I know I could never lie to a person and I could never hurt someone I loved.... of course, maybe thats the answer, I wasn't loved. I don't know. It's over now and I just need to look forward but for some reason, I keep looking back, hoping he wants me and loves me, like I loved him. That makes moving on really hard. Hopefully, this blog will help me chronicle my slow improvement back into the land of dating. Of course, right now I am stuck on the fact that I am 25 years old and the dating pool is thinning in my area.

Oh well... Anyway, if you wanna wallow in my self-pity or read my blog to appreciate your life, have at it!!! I'm here to please!! Actually, I hope I keep writing and seeing the improvement for myself. But, we'll have to see...