Letting go.... A clean slate...

I realize I need to let go. I think I really have, and now I have a clean slate. Although my no phonecall attempt didn't work (he didn't even remember me being at his place and deleting my number. He just wondered why he had to look it up) I'm really letting go. He called for a favor. He wanted me to come over and help him with something. This was after he insisted that I had ruined his life and career and that my whole purpose in life was to destroy him. I know three people in his profession and he's one of them. Yet, I have single-handedly destroyed him. I should be president if I have that much power. Anyway, I have decided from this day on, a clean slate. He doesn't exist to me and for a while, I will not even acknowledge he was a part of my life. That's what he wants and in exchange, he will delete my number and not call. At least I hope he does. I will also steer clear of all his friends which I've been doing since the breakup and stay completely away from him. I wish him luck.

Last night was the last phonecall that he will ever have the satisfaction to put me down and belittle me. I will admit when I got off the phone, I actually believed the things he said about me for about 3 minutes...then I slapped myself back into reality. It's amazing how I can truly believe what someone thinks of me. I am a good person and I didn't ruin his life. He did that for himself.

A clean slate. I hope I can paint a beautiful picture.....

How many chances??

Ok, so I know I'm pretty much at the end of my rope. In the past week, I've given the ex 3 chances to rectify the situation. Not really win me back but make it less harsh, you know. All three chances have failed. After he stood me up twice last week, I figured I would just completely give up. Then on Tuesday night at 12:30am, he calls....I didn't answer.. I am so done with the drunk phonecalls. I had a tinge of guilt and went back to sleep. I decided that I really needed him to delete my number from his phone so he didn't call whenever he decided to drink. See, he doesn't even remember the next day that he calls me. Anyway, he called me last night. He had been drinking, go figure, and he wanted me to talk to him. I was out shopping and he asked me to stop by on my way home to talk with him. I told him I would but when I leave I want to watch him delete my number from his phone. He said, "OK". Well, I get there and he doesn't answer the door so I call him. He had already went to bed..no surprise. He let me in and didn't say a word. I told him to talk and he went and laid back down in bed. I told him I was going home but before I did, where was his phone so I could delete my number. I found it on the floor and was trying to delete it when he grabbed it out of my hand and threw it across the room, bouncing it off the wall.. Surprisingly, it still worked so I continued to delete the number has he continued to tell me to go to hell... Yet again, he had the opportunity to make the situation not as bad and he, again, screwed up. You know, for him to tell me how much he loves me, he's really got a sick way of showing it. I have really tried. He said he needs help but I've heard that before and I've been there and nothing gets better. I feel really bad for him. I hope he figures out what he wants out of life and straightens up. He's already lost a great thing, I don't want him to lose anymore. Anyway, what is the number? How many chances should you give someone to make it better? You know, in NASCAR, after a wreck, they give you ONE CHANCE to get the car drivable and up to speed. If you can't do it, then you are out of the race for good. Maybe one is all.....

You, Me, and Dupree...

Movie review time. Met up with some friends last night after the race to watch, You, Me, and Dupree. First off, Kate Hudson is freakin' gorgous. I would love to look like her. Well, her with more boobs... I mean, I wouldn't give up all my assets. Anyway, Pretty good movie. I would give it 4 out of five stars. I guess one of the things that kinda threw me off was Matt Dillon. To me, he's a little creepy anyway and not really all that funny. Ben Stiller would have been great in that part. Owen Wilson, like always, was top notch. Really really funny. I would suggest anyone who wanted to see a light comedy, go see this movie.

It was good to hang out with my friends. No one yelled at me for talking during the movie or anything. It was just really cool. I need more days like that. Well, it's the beginning of a new week and I believe big things are going to happen for me this week. I'm actually looking forward to it!!

Another day...

Ha, like my new shirt??? hehehehhehee...

Well, it's raceday!! Jr is 42nd so it's really kinda boring. Go figure. Well, my weekend kinda sucked. I did hang out with my friend Saturday night and that was fun. He's going to keep me in mind for any singles that he knows. My other friend had to work late so I didn't get to see him either. Oh well... life goes on..

I got an email from an old friend in Ohio. A friend that's always good at giving me a slap-in-the-face-get-over-it advice. I love that. Every once in a while, that is what I need to get me out of my pity party and living again. I'm getting back on the horse and riding away. Not looking back anymore.

There's only good things to come for me. I've been drug down too much, it's time to start making things happen for me. I usually always get what I want. I haven't changed so I imagine I can STILL get what I want. So, future....here I come...

Set myself up...

You know when you think you're over something and you can face it then something happens to really disappoint you and you kinda backslide... that's what I'm going through.
I was stood up twice this week.

I swallowed my pride and asked someone out to dinner and I not rejected, but left hanging....twice... I guess that's a pretty good sign not to try that again. So now, I'm kinda sad. Not a sad sad but a disappointment sad which I think is totally worse. For some reason, I've moved on and I'm doing good but I set myself up and I did that all by myself. I thought I was strong enough to handle it but I guess not.

I have two different people who great me freakin' great, and adore everything about me and I still hold on to the one person who doesn't see me that way... I'm an Idiot!!!

Seriously and truly and full fledged idiot!!!

Unexpected....

Well I received an unexpected call yesterday from the ex. Kinda took me off guard since I had deleted his number. He wanted a movie I had and I made him a copy. He came over and picked it up and it was weird you know. He asked me what I was doing this week and when we were going to get together and do something. I told him I didn't know. He said he was doing a poker party this weekend and I said I would pass. Although, I'm not all that sure I want to pass on it. I'm not convinced that he really wants me back anyway. I don't know what I am going to do.

On the other hand, I went and saw "Pirates of the Caribbean" last night. I didn't like the first one and I really didn't care for this one either. Just not my type I guess. Long long movie. But I had to be like the millions of others that went to see it just because.

Anyway, well, I got some major thinking to do.

I'm Alive....

It's great to actually discover that I'm are still alive. I had soo much fun out on the lake today with my new friends it was amazing. A total different group of people and all of them were totally cool. I am soo glad I didn't spend the day moping around the house thinking of my ex....although his thoughts were not completely absent during the day, they didn't consume me. I am soo glad that I have finally met new people and I feel long lasting friendships. A little glimpse of happiness I believe....

A new book review...

My last break up I read the book He's just not that into you, this one I needed something stronger so I am reading It's Not Me, It's You: The Ultimate Break up Book. This book hits the nail on the head. It even says that the only way a break up doesn't hurt is if you didn't care about the person. That explains why I'm still losing sleep over it. It also says that you may never get over it, you just have to keep living. There was a quote on one of the pages I really liked, it said

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds: it dies if weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." -- Anais Nin

I guess that really says it all. The book really does kinda help. It has percentages of the things people do after a break up. I'm glad to see that I don't follow most of the things. Like, I have yet to drive by his apartment to see if he's there or if anyone new is there. I haven't did the whole call and hang up repeatedly. I haven't questioned his friends about what he is doing. I don't care...well I do, I just don't want to know.

Anyway, it's good to have a book to help you out. And it's kinda funny too...

Well, I'm gonna go out on the lake with some new friends. I'm not bailing on them this time. It should be fun... the choice is the boat or wave runners.... hummm.... decisions, decisions....

And so it begins.....

Well, usually after break ups, there is tons of bitterness. I chose to live my life like he never existed. At least for the next couple of months... I guess he's already trying to turn people against me and he probably doesn't even know it. He can't just leave things between me and him. I don't care if he talks but don't hurt others in the process. I don't even care what he says about me. I know who I am and what I am.

He said I wasn't there for him when he was having problems. He said I didn't care. I didn't need to care, we weren't together but I sucked it up and spent those couple of days with him, trying to be there for him and help him through it... but I wasn't there...I guess...

I'm just watching "The Hills" on MTV... The New Years episode where Jason threatens to leave Lauren right after the New Year.... Ha, that is exactly my ex. Except it was Christmas. We were going to make it through Christmas and then break up. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's went through that.

Oh well, and so it begins... the bitter road of breakupdom.

I went out last night with some friends from work. I had a great time and I'm glad we did. Beats setting at home and being sad. That's not who I am and it's not what I want to be. I want to be happy... I'm far from it right now, but I'm going to find it again....

Big mountain, baby steps...

As you can tell by my last post, I kinda got hit hard by the realization that it was truly over. I even went to the extent to send him an email asking for him to tell me that there was nothing we can do to make it work. That was yesterday morning. By the middle of day, I realized he didn't owe that to me. I just needed to let it go and deal with it on my own. I've been on my own for a while, why do I need to see him and break my heart again. So I emailed him back and told him never mind. That was hard but it's what I needed to do. Closure is over-rated. No matter what he said to me, I am still gonna be sad and depressed. I'm mourning the death of a meaningful relationship and it's only natural for me to be sad.

Last night I took some baby steps to get over the big mountain. I removed myself from a group that we were in together. I can't have that consent reminder. I also deleted his number from my phone. I guess that is a big hurdle to overcome. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I never want to speak to him again, but right now I just need to move on. I need to quit checking my phone to see if he's called. I did write it down and put it in a safe place so that when I'm ready to just be friends, maybe I'll call him. But I believe that will be a long while down the road.

The cleansing has begun and although I am extremely sad, I am happy to see myself starting to look to the future as an 'I' instead of a 'We'. I caught myself still including him in my future plans... I guess thats denial... but I'm finally going to move on. Up the mountain.

I've been here before and things only get better....

A month today...

Well, the break up has lasted a month...and I'm crying... Why do I hold on?? Last night I had to work on a night I usually don't work. Last night he picked up the rest of his stuff and left the spare key.. When I got home my heart broke. I thought as long as he still had stuff here I could hold out hope that he still loved me and wanted to be with me. Stupid I know. I hadn't talked to him in a week and I haven't seen him in a week and a half. The last time I saw him, we were on pretty good terms...now, I'm out of his life forever and he's out of mine. I KNOW its the right thing because neither of us could make eachother happy. But the hoping and wishing has made this really really hard. Why I held on so tightly I don't know...well I do know. It's called love. You know, I called him last night and he said some things. I really think that I was his biggest problem. I think his life without me will be 10 times better. He seems to have a plan and he knows what he wants. I think when he was with me, I kinda messed everything up. I mean, not in a bad way at first, but I think I did more harm than good. And I'm truly sorry for that. I wanted nothing but the best for the both of us...together. You know, I can't even remember now, why we broke up.

I need to let him go. He's let me go so I need to just stop the hoping and wishing. I just need some closure. I need to hear some things from him. Hopefully he will do me that honor..

You know, he reads this blog... He thinks that I am making him look like a bad person to everyone. I don't know if that's true or not, I know I haven't painted the best picture of him but for me to have this much trouble letting him go and moving on, he must be something pretty special to me. He doesn't understand that this blog is therapy for me. My true feelings which for some reason cannot be spoken. I want to apologize to him for all the nasty things I have wrote about him. I want to say I'm sorry for not being able to tell him these things to his face and I hope one day he understands that I write because I'm hurting. I write because I am in love with him. I write for personal understanding. I miss telling him things that are happening in my life. I feel like I've lost my best friend... I write because I'm lonely... I'm sorry, I miss you and I love you... please understand that...

The Break Up...the movie

I just watched The Break Up.... It is amazing that it is entirely my relationship. Exactly the reason we broke up and exactly the things I wanted to happen. I broke up with him hoping he would see the light and change his ways. See what it is he had and what he let go of. See the error of his ways and change to keep me... Of course in the end, that's not the way it is. Oops... I hope I didn't ruin the movie for anyone. It was funny because the guy in the movie was exactly like my ex. And I can see why she loved him and I can see why she left him. It's like looking from the outside in. Really really weird.

Well, today is my last day to hold on. I was invited to hang out with some new people today. It would have been alot of fun if I would have went. Instead, I sat around the house waiting for a phonecall from the ex. Hoping that he would want to see me and all... The other person kept calling and I didn't answer. That was wrong of me. That was wrong to miss an opportunity just because I'm holding on. It's becoming very obvious that he is who he is and nothing I say or do will ever change that. I need to let him go and invest my time in other interests. I'm starting to realize I WANT to find forever love. I WANT to be with someone for the rest of my life. I need to quit wasting my time hoping, wishing and praying that I have already found him.

Today is the last day of missing opportunity. From now on, I turn down no one...

I hope....

A milestone in life....

I know most people now adays are hitting milestones like marriage... Me, I have been in North Carolina for one year. I have been away from my family and friends who love me for one entire year. Yay me.... People have admired me for being brave. I guess it was a big step to move down here not knowing anyone and making it all by myself. I did have someone to get me through the first 11 months and I would like to thank him... but now I'm alone. Not alone completely, I mean, I have good friends and people who care about me, but I'm alone.

I keep setting myself up for heartache for some reason. Hoping and praying that people can change. I guess I was wrong. I don't know why I let it get me down because I CAN be alone. I CAN exist without someone beside me. I will say it's getting harder with age... When I was younger, being alone was nothing to me. Now, I'm starting to really search for my soulmate and I'm starting to wonder if he's even out there. Sometimes I think I see him, sometimes I think I even talk to him... And then I see the true person. I guess everyone does that though... hopes and dreams... waiting for the knight in shining armor to come sweep her off her feet and tell her kind words and rope the moon for her. Someone who would give up vises to keep the love of their life. Boy, I wish I could meet someone like that... I guess I need to keep on wishing....

Celebrating my milestone alone.....