A month today...

Well, the break up has lasted a month...and I'm crying... Why do I hold on?? Last night I had to work on a night I usually don't work. Last night he picked up the rest of his stuff and left the spare key.. When I got home my heart broke. I thought as long as he still had stuff here I could hold out hope that he still loved me and wanted to be with me. Stupid I know. I hadn't talked to him in a week and I haven't seen him in a week and a half. The last time I saw him, we were on pretty good terms...now, I'm out of his life forever and he's out of mine. I KNOW its the right thing because neither of us could make eachother happy. But the hoping and wishing has made this really really hard. Why I held on so tightly I don't know...well I do know. It's called love. You know, I called him last night and he said some things. I really think that I was his biggest problem. I think his life without me will be 10 times better. He seems to have a plan and he knows what he wants. I think when he was with me, I kinda messed everything up. I mean, not in a bad way at first, but I think I did more harm than good. And I'm truly sorry for that. I wanted nothing but the best for the both of us...together. You know, I can't even remember now, why we broke up.

I need to let him go. He's let me go so I need to just stop the hoping and wishing. I just need some closure. I need to hear some things from him. Hopefully he will do me that honor..

You know, he reads this blog... He thinks that I am making him look like a bad person to everyone. I don't know if that's true or not, I know I haven't painted the best picture of him but for me to have this much trouble letting him go and moving on, he must be something pretty special to me. He doesn't understand that this blog is therapy for me. My true feelings which for some reason cannot be spoken. I want to apologize to him for all the nasty things I have wrote about him. I want to say I'm sorry for not being able to tell him these things to his face and I hope one day he understands that I write because I'm hurting. I write because I am in love with him. I write for personal understanding. I miss telling him things that are happening in my life. I feel like I've lost my best friend... I write because I'm lonely... I'm sorry, I miss you and I love you... please understand that...