Need Sleep.....

I'm doing really good. I'm on my fourth day of get over him and I'm doing rather well. I have my weekend planned out so I won't be setting at home. My only problem is, I can't sleep. I mean, I can, I get to sleep but if I wake up in the middle of the night I'm done for. My whole relationship comes flooding back and my stupid brain starts going in overtime 'what could I have done differently?''what did I do wrong?''why did he treat me so badly?''is he right, am I a bad person?''could I have helped him?''should I have stuck it out and tried to help him more?''does he truly believe everything he said to me?''did he ever love me at all?''is he doing the same thing I am, missing me?''why did he say he wanted to be with me forever?''why the games?''why hurt me on purpose?'.... I'm sure you can get the hint, it's really really annoying.

Damn brain. Who needs it!! I freakin' finally did what it was telling me to do for a long time. I ignored the heart and now the brain is working against me. I don't get it. You know, usually my heart will ache but that's not the problem this time. OK, I take that back, my heart aches alittle. But that's something I can deal with. This brain thing isn't. Even through Tylenol PMs, the brain comes through loud and clear. Almost like it's me yelling at me. Of course then I get alittle of the 'you're never find anyone else''you're 26 years old and just lost your chance of a future with someone you love''if you weren't fat, he wouldn't have treated you that way''you don't deserve better'.... I think they make pills for this stuff. You know, nothing my brain is saying surprises me. I mean, I know that I'm not obese but my brain has never looked in the mirror and said, 'you're skinny.' Never.

My brain has never seen a glass half full. Nothing good ever happens to me, something is always gonna happen to prove that. Of course that's kinda right. Even my grandmother said it, she said it was like God sent you down where you wanted to be and you met a man you fell in love with. This is true, but it seemed more like punishment for me to fall in love and then be told by that person that you are horrible. I'm sure there is a reason that I was sent down here and you know, maybe it was to meet pit guy and help him through some tough times. Maybe I helped him as much as I could and God said, OK, it's time to move on. He needs to do it on his own now. You know what's really sad, I would have went to the ends of the earth to help him with his problems. I would have walked through fire, if only it would help him. But he didn't want help and therefore, he threw away someone who loved him and cared for him. Someone who would have loved him for the rest of his life.

People don't change. You know, actually I didn't even want him to change, I wanted him to fix his problems. Problems are going to hurt him in the future. I wanted him to see what I saw behind all his problems. The man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I'm serious. Even after every mean hurtful thing he said to me throughout our relationship, I could still look into his eyes and see the man I wanted to marry. Yeah, he wasn't on the surface but inside he's there. And he's still there. I just didn't have the strength to stick it out to the very end. He will make someone a wonderful husband when he realizes his problems.

After telling my story to a friend, he said 'how does he expect a snake to bite if he's already killed it?'. After he put me down to where I felt an inch tall, he told me he loved me. He had already killed it. When he looked over at me and tears were streaming from my eyes, he should have known it was gone. Those words can't bring it back.

Man, I need to quit dwelling on this and get over it. I'm sure he has. Keep my chin up and keep going. There are more fish in the sea. Some with a lot less problems and baggage. I hope I hook one of those.