Behind but good...

OK, so yet again, I have gotten behind on my posts... It was an up and down week but it ended on a high note. Let me give you the rundown. My guy guy called on Wednesday night and told me he was playing at another bar on Thursday night. It just happened to be the bar that everyone says is super scary. A biker bar. Well, I had every intention of going but my horse, BarBea got sick.. OK, so when I horse doesn't feel good, that is a major problem. Hence the phrase, "heathy as a horse". Well, I spent my entire Thursday horse sitting. I would check on her every two hours to make sure she was doing alright. She wasn't any better come time for my guy guy to play so I didn't get to go. I did chat on the phone with the younger guy though. We had a really good chat. But, I missed my guy guy's jam session, which is bad.

Anyway, I had no plans for Friday night. I had to work until 8 so when I got off work, my friends called and wanted to know if I wanted to go out. Sure, I wasn't doing anything else. So, yet again, Lisa goes partying. I see a trend starting. We went to a club in Parkersburg and had a good time. I danced it up with my brother's friend *the one from previous posts* and hung out with some other people.

Actually, remember the hot UPS man!! Well, he was there, only he had his girlfriend. Damn!! But, I did get a couple of hugs and some dancing out of him so it wasn't all that bad. He was a wonderful piece of eye candy. Well, again at my peak, I texted my guy guy to see what he was doing. He texted me back and said he was at home doing nothing. I texted him back and said he should have called me. So, I was ready to have the conversation with him. I was tired of not feeling wanted by him and wondering all the time why he doesn't like me. I went to the restroom and called him. OK, so I was a tad intoxicated and I can't recall all the conversation but it ended up with him asking me to come to his place on Saturday night. Awesome!!

I didn't know if it was guilt or what but at least I will get to see if he has any interest or not. One problem. I was supposed to meet up with my younger guy on Saturday. Well, actually, he solved that problem by not calling me on Friday night like he said he would. So, you snooze, you lose.

Saturday I drove to my guy guy's house at around 7. We were just gonna hang out and watch movies. That is totally cool with me, I love doing that. We watched "Spiderman 2", "Troy", and "Road Trip". I am glad to say that I felt like he was interested in me when I left his place. We had a talk about everything that I was feeling and what was going on in his life. I told him that if he wanted to be just friends, that was OK with me because no matter what I enjoy his company. I think he wanted to see where it could lead though which is great with me. I think we connected that night. Hopefully, it will continue to get better. He is a great guy. There is no pressure or anything around him. He makes me feel really comfortable.

He's playing again this Tuesday and I'm gonna be there. I'm not gonna miss it again. He has a passion for his drums and I love to listen to him talk about it. It's awesome to be around someone who cares so much for something, like I care for racing. He has a dream, and he can easily achieve it. I have total faith that he will be something great in the future (better than he is now)!

Anyway, so I met the young guy today. He is so super nice and cool but he is young. He looks young and in a lot of ways, he acts young. I felt really bad because he was looking for serious, and we all know I'm not ready for serious. I guess he kinda got mad at me about the whole thing. I think that is an age issue. He can't expect me to jump into serious with a younger man, again, after what I have went through. I have learned. Plus, my guy guy has the biggest chunk of my heart right now. I don't know, drama is great. Now watch, this week something will suck... that's how it goes. I'll probably run into the ex or something and knock me off my high!! I hope not. I feel really good right now!!!

Scary morning...

Molly and Me!!
Posted by Hello
This morning I woke up and went out to do my usual everyday chores. Feed the animals.. Well, my golden retriever, Molly, wasn't acting her usual self. She's 14 years old, actually she will be 15 this May and she is my world!! She's been with me since I was 11 and she is the best dog ever. She is always there for me when no one else is. Unconditional love... Anyway, because of her age, I freaked out!! I had to be at work at 8 but I went in late and had her at the vet's office when they opened their doors at 8. I put my family above my job, and Molly is my family.. It turned out to be her arthitis so the vet gave her a shot and sent her home. He said she was in really good shape for a 14 year old dog... That was good to hear. Anyway, I was only 45 minutes late to work...luckily I have a friend who covered for me. Yet again, I have great friends.. Just to let you know, I did stay after 45 minutes to make up the difference. So anyway, the scare this morning made me realize that my personal issues are not that important. I can't even imagine what I would do without Molly. I know I need to start realizing that she is getting older and she won't be around forever, but she means the world to me.

Everyone should have a dog. I actually have three. Molly, Bristol (a great dane) and Stella (Bristol's daughter). I love them all equally but of course Molly has been with me through thick and thin. I also have a 14 year old Quarter Horse, BarBea, I've had her for 12 years and I a ferret, Sid, who I just got in October. I also have three turtles, Squirt, a painted turtle and Thorpe and Phelps, red eared sliders.. Let me tell you what, you would never guess how attached you can get to turtles. They are the coolest pets!! Anyway, this is a strange post...

Let's get back to the nitty gritty. So, my guy guy called me last night. You know all that stuff I was gonna tell him, yeah, I chickened out. I just like talking to him so much that I just couldn't cause friction or freak him out. I was soo glad to hear from him. He actually called tonight too to tell me he would be playing his drums at a bar. It was too late of a notice for me to go though. That really sucks cause I don't want him to ever feel like I'm not interested... I try not to do that to people I'm interested in!! Anyway, in other news, I got an email from a hot younger guy. I don't know what can come from it. I've dealt with the age thing before and it didn't end all that well but damn, he's a hottie.. It's crazy. I would like to beat myself everytime I look at a younger guy.. How horrible is that?!?!?! Anyway, it's nice to have a cutie interested in me.

OK, well, I guess that's enough chit chat for tonight. Hopefully I'll have something really interesting to post in the future. Right now, my life is kinda boring.. Anyway, I guess I like drama.....

Another fun weekend....

OK, so it's becoming a habit of mine to hang with my friends and do some drinking...of course, I get attention and feel wanted when I do so I guess that makes it OK... kinda!! Anyway, again, went to see the band play, they are truely awesome!! I remember more than one song this time!!! I'm really impressed... So, after the party everyone went to the local dive bar... then to my brothers house to continue the party. It was a good time. Me and my brother are getting along better than we ever have. It's kinda funny. My father told me when I was going over there...."NO FIGHTING"!! It's cool. He is getting married and I love my future sister-in-law... hhehehehe...she ran across my blog last week and my brother got in trouble cause he didn't say he went out last weekend....Oops!!! OK, so my brother has some hot friends... OK, two.. and then a whole bunch of other friends I don't really know. Does make it interesting partying with his cute friends who think I'm hot and my brother watching over me.. I guess that's good and bad... I mean, his friends aren't the best people to hook up with. Not keepers by any means.. and if they are keepers, they are already caught by someone else.... damn it!! Anyway, it was still fun! It's nice to see guys looking at you in an 'interested' way.

Anyway, well, I invited my guy guy to see the band.. He said he had plans and that he would call. I figured, if he called maybe he was still interested. Nope, no phone call so I guess I have my answer. He knew I was interested so if he wants me, he can call me. I'm not gonna be the pest that calls all the time. I can take a hint.. I guess I need to quit meeting guys. They meet me and don't like me.. I'm not sure why. I asked my guy friends this weekend what was wrong with me.. Of course, they aren't gonna tell me the truth. But they couldn't figure out why my guy guy wasn't interested. They think I'm pretty and fun. I just don't get it. Course, maybe I'm just too fat. Maybe I'm a bitch. I don't know. it's really starting to get to me though. I guess I need to change who I am. I mean, my ex can have a steady already. Why can't I? He's not a better person than me. I'm really serious about that. He's not. He's girl even knows he cheated on me. I don't get how someone can date someone like that. I guess he probably painted me out to be a bitch and that I deserved it.. Hell, maybe I did. I don't know. I just know I could never cheat on someone like that. I would respect the person enough to break up with them. Tell them I didn't want to be with them anymore. Not take the easy way out. Man, I would love for him to cheat on her. I know that's horrible but I don't want it to just be me he cheated on. I really thought he loved me. I guess the lack of answers is still getting to me. Oh well, I'm moving on....slowly, but I'm moving on. Well, I gotta get to work. I guess I'll do some job searching and soul searching...

Relapse.....

OK, so who would have guessed that after soo long a time, I would relapse... It wasn't a horrible relapse but it was just pretty hurtful. My 41 and single guy friend called me to inform me that he went to Walmart and that my ex was waving at him and smiling, trying to get him to come over and talk. He told me he didn't talk to him. OK, that's good because that is what I expect for my friends to do. What bothers me is my ex doing that. He had only met my friend twice and it wasn't for a very long time. Why does he think that he should talk to my friends after what he did to me? They were only his friends because he was dating me, not because he has qualities that they can't live without.. OK, so I thought about which of my friends talk to him. I'm sure a lot do just to not be rude and that pisses me off. But anyway, that's not what made me relapse.

OK, so I have come to the conclusion that my guy guy is not interested in me... OK, that hurts the self esteem a little. I mean, at one point I think he was interested but I don't feel a lick of that anymore. And that sucks... That gets me thinkin' that my ex has someone and I don't. That hurts because I'm a better person than he is.. So, I was a little bent out of shape about that when I went to my friend's house. Well, him being a guy and all he has FHM magazine. I look at it everytime I'm over there and pick out the girl I want to look like... Well, there is a section where a girl can send in a sexy picture of herself and then basically bad mouth her ex. Like 'can you believe this guy cheated on this girl' kinda thing... well, I'm kinda interested in doing that so I was discussing it with my friend. He told me I shouldn't send in a picture of my ex because they might want him to model.... ok, ouch.... Basically, Lisa you will never get anyone as attractive as he is, he is model material. Yeah, so that made me need a drink!!

We went to one bar and drank a couple and then we headed to another bar and drank a couple more. Well, it just so happened that a 16 yr old girl came in with her mother. She started talking and me, feeling pretty good, asked her what school she went to and if she knew Abby, the girl my ex cheated on me with. She was like, 'yeah, she's a whore, man, I'm not gonna talk to Tim anymore.' So she told me she had been talking to Tim and her cousin had also been talking to Tim but now he was dating a girl who worked at McClures in Middleport. OK, so all that stuff didn't bother me. What bothered me was when my friend said, Oh, I know who she is now. She's the really hot, skinny girl. Ouch...*kick in the face*

OK, so maybe you haven't noticed but I have a little issue with my weight. It's actually a big issue and I've dealt with it my entire life. My friend knew this. Yet, he called my ex's new girlfriend 'really hot, skinny.' Now, I'm completely depressed because my weight was probably an issue with my ex too, he just never said anything. I've lost 17 pounds since him and I thought I was doing good but I guess I'll have to lose another 20 to look anywhere near close to her size... I don't want him back, don't think that... I just want to be wanted, by anyone... I mean, I haven't heard from the M&M's guy, my guy guy doesn't seem interested... it just seems like my life is falling apart. All those things that were keeping my head above water are gone now. Plus, I just wonder who of my friends are still civil to my ex, who broke my heart and cheated on me.... I just don't get it... If someone hurts my friend, they don't get to be my friend anymore. Case Closed. You hurt my friend, you basically hurt me.

Well, I know I need to get over this, I really do. And I was doing really really good. I guess I just need to find someone else to take my mind off of all this stuff. Someone who will make me feel sexy and beautiful. Or maybe I should just seek therapy.....

Snowed in....

OK, so I'm not really snowed in but I didn't have to work today because of the snow...You would think that I would love that but I am getting soo totally bored that I can't find anything to do. I revamped my homepage today. I tweaked my Custom Charms page today. I watched the VH1's I Love The 90's all day long... I'm starting to freak out. It makes it really hard to write something interesting on my blog when I do absolutely nothing that merits anything to write about. I'm so lame, I hope that you don't even read this post.

OK, so let me pull something out of my a$$. OK, we'll put down my ex. He still owes me all those CDs that he promised to replace. It was funny cause it's been, hell, I don't even know how long it's been since our last email and he said he would get them to me ASAP. Hummmm.... I wonder if knows what ASAP means?? OK, so it's starting to really piss me off. I don't give a crap what he is doing with his new girl or anything. That really hasn't crossed my mind all that much.. The things that do cross my mind are the things that I gave him or did for him that I will never get back. It seems like every relationship, I end up losing stuff when it's all said and done. My other ex still owes me $100, do you think I'll ever see that?? My current ex now has a $300 computer and 13 CDs that he asked me to copy with a promise to replace them. I'll probably never see them again. From here on out, I'm lookin out for number one!! I don't make enough money to support these losers I end up dating. It just amazes me. I've always been very giving but from now on, it's all about me.

That burnt up a paragraph. I guess I should just cut my loses and realize that I've been a loser the last couple of days and absolutely nothing exciting has happened. Sorry for the lame post. I tried....

Gettin' behind....

Geez, I have a couple of drinks and it puts me a couple of days behind. What's up with that? OK, so let me get back on track. Things in my life have kinda slowed down. Hell, screeched to a halt. I haven't heard from my guy guy for a couple of days, well, I emailed him today and got a response but not like it used to be. I haven't heard from the M&M's guy since we met.... he must have decided we wouldn't get along. I kinda got that feeling too. And then, I heard way too much from the other guy. To the point I got scared and basically told him to leave me alone.

I feel bad about it because he seemed nice enough but he knew way too much about me and he said some things that threw up red flags for me. Plus, he called me cute....yeah, thats not a bad thing but he said he didn't go for really hot girls because they have an ego problem... OK, well I have a self esteem problem and I want to be with someone who thinks I'm hot...Not just cute like a damn kitten!! OK, so that wasn't a really horrible thing but damn, it made me feel shitty. I've been working on being hot and cute is a step back. Oh well... it's for the best. It wouldn't have worked anyway. He was way to persistant.

So, I'm back to being basically completely single Lisa. That's not a bad thing. I'm not missing the ex terribly or anything. I have just realized there are other guys out there and there are even some interested in me. I kinda felt that way when I was at the bar anyway. Like I coulda took a couple home with me. Kinda wish my guy guy would show some major interest though. He is super fun and nice. Oh well. At least I'm having fun. I kinda got interested in one of the guys that was in the posse at the bar. I hadn't met him before and if he was single I think I could have been really interested in him and possibly him in me. Kinda makes me bitter because the opportunity was there and the people close to me could have hooked us up. Instead they hooked him up with someone else.. geez... I hate missing out on things. Anyway, he was really sweet. Kinda quiet, but I saw potential. I like converting the quiet types!! Anyway, I need to take my mind off of that one because he's attached. I should have acted on it when I was drunk and in the back seat with him where I could have blamed the alcohol. Oh well... probably for the best.

Anyway, it's back to work tomorrow. Time to pick up on the job search again. Now would be the best time to get the hell outa here!!! Oh, by the way, I've been writing a little for my good friend, Dave. Check out his site at www.frogtails.com. I'm outa here....

Night on the town...

OK, had a pretty good night last night. Well, until I got sick that is.... So, some of my bestest friends invited me to go see a local band, "Transient", at a bar in Marietta. 8 of us piled in a borrowed vehicle and I truly believe it took us an hour and a half to get to the bar when it is usually a 45 minute drive... Oh well, it was fun and we had our drinks. Anyway, two of the guys I see quite often, I met two girls who I'll probably hang with more, and my brother and two of his friends. It was really fun.

We got to the bar, I was probably already over my limit already, and the band freakin' rocked!! I did get have to go in the restroom and make myself puke to make me feel better but then my guy friends picked up the slack and helped sober me up. Course, I had to hang out out side in the freezing weather but I eventually got well enough to....well, everything wasn't spinning so fast anymore. It's always cool when local bands play because usually the bar is packed with locals. People I went to school with and stuff like that. People you don't see very often, only when you have a common interest in a band. Hell, really, I have only met the lead singer in the band once, at the same bar watching a different band... It's all cool though. We all got home safe and sound.

What I find truly interesting is the way guys treat a girl when she is drunk. This morning, I was thinking back to last night. Now my two guy friends who took care of me, they don't apply but the other guys that were with us, plus we added one of the way home, well, geez, they sure do get friendly when I girl has been drinking. And, you know, I'm not gonna down anyone but hell, one of them is engaged. But you know, it's not like a drunk girl gets defensive when I guy touches her. I mean, I admit, I enjoyed the attention. I just find it funny thats all.. The atmosphere is totally different when you are sober, but man, drink like two and everyone becomes touchy feely. That's OK, because we all know my guy guy isn't touchy feely and some times a girl just wants to be touched. Damn it!! ehehehhehe...

Speaking of my guy guy, well, he didn't even call me yesterday. I called him on my way to the bar when I was already lit but I think I can take the hint that he doesn't like me. I don't know, but I think it might be that way. I mean, I haven't seen him since like the 7th. Do I need to take the hint? I'm sure I can find someone else, it just sucks cause well, yeah, I kinda liked him. He was kinda a great package. Fun, made me laugh, cute, a good kisser *when he did kiss me* and a gentleman. Well, I guess the man hunt is on again.....damn, that sucks...

I'm back...

Well, I'm back from Nashville. How did it go you ask??? Well, I drove down on Wednesday night after leaving the doctors office. My appointment was at 12:00 and I didn't get out of there until 4:30. Boy was that fun!! Oh well, it's once a year and it's free, can't complain.... While I was in the doctors office, my interviewer called and bumped up my interview to 10:30. That was fine with me, less time for me to set around and be nervous about it. Anyway, I got to my hotel at 10:30. Six hours, not bad!! Even had a couple of guys whistle at me *self esteem boost!* while I was putting gas in my car.... hehehehe... So, I get up and go to my interview Thursday morning. The building was in the shadow of another building with was another PR firm.... I should have just left a resume there!! Anyway, the first interview went well. The lady asked nontraditional interview questions. I was still unsure about the actual job. I even asked the question, "what is a typical day like in this job? What exactly do you do?" She said that if I was called back for the second interview I would find out because I would spend the day with a rep. She said if I didn't hear from her by 5 then they were going in another direction. There were several girls waiting to be interviewed while I was there so I wasn't gonna hold my breath. I decided to go shopping the rest of the day. I went to two different malls, one being the Opry Mills mall. I did some shopping and I got back to the room about 4:30 and waited for the phone call.

Well, I ordered a pizza and the call never came so I got my stuff all packed up, I was gonna leave early and then at 6, I got the call for the second interview. I was really nervous because I was finally gonna find out what the actual job was. I was to be there at 9am till about 5:15. I texted my guy guy to let him know and he called me... Being the sweet guy he is!! He kept telling me that if I don't get the job then maybe there was a good reason for it. Maybe there was something better waiting at home for me... He was being really sweet and hell, I figured he would forget about me while I was outa town.. It put a smile on my face. I watched my must see Thursday shows, The OC and ER and then I went to bed. I got to the office at 9 and waited until 9:30 when I was introduced to the girl I was gonna be riding along with. OK, so the term direct marketing was mentioned... Direct marketing meaning, basically, door to door salesperson for BellSouth Phone Service... Not exactly what I had in mind. We went to the ghetto of Nashville and entered all the businesses trying to get them to switch to Bellsouth or "make sure they were getting their BellSouth discounts." I was really degrading to me. I would never do that. I don't try to impose on people like that. Don't get me wrong, we met alot of nice people but there were some that obviously didn't want anything to do with us. It just wasn't for me. I think I could have had the job but I just told them, it's not something I wanted to do... Plus the fact that the girl I was with, broke her key in the car door lock and we didn't get back to the office until 6:30... We had to wait for her ex to bring her her spare key...So, locked out of her car in the ghetto, it was getting dark and she still wanted to solicit businesses....Great fun.. She was really nice but I just couldn't do what she did. That's cool though, I learned my lesson and it was a good experience for me.

Anyway, I started back at 6:30 and I was in Gallipolis at 1:30am. Right when I was crossing over the bridge, my cell rang. It was the M&M's guy!! So, he met me at the gas station and we hung out for about an hour. He was really quiet and I wasn't looking my best....(a day in the ghetto does that to ya!!) I don't know. I wasn't attracted as much to him... I'll give him a second chance though if he wants it!! I spent the entire drive home talking on my cellphone. It made the trip more barable!! All in all, it wasn't all that bad. I enjoy driving like that. I think it's relaxing and fun.

Well, now you know how it all went. I know the suspense was probably killing you!!! Well, me too!! Anyway, I will probably hang with my friends tonight. Might go see a local band play. I haven't talked to my guy guy so I don't know if he wants to see me or not. Don't know. I would like to get a better vibe from him. I mean, some times I really really do, other times not so much.. I don't know if he likes me or not. But you know, I just realized... being single isn't all that bad. I can be alone. As long as someone shows interest every once in a while, I'm good to go. I gotta try to be happy with myself and I'm gonna start working really hard on that. I want to have a kick ass body that will stop guys in their tracks!! I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna be happy with myself. I'm gonna get a new job, somewhere, and I'm gonna be happy this year, with or without a guy on my arm....

1 More Day....

Well, I'm down to the final stretch. Tonight I have to pack and prepare for the long journey to Nashville. I will depart following my doctors appointment and I won't be home until early Saturday morning. Course that means, no posts on the blog. You won't know what happens until I get back. Exciting huh!! Yeah, I'm excited but I have a dreadful cold thats bringing me down. I should have taken some vitamin C like my guy guy said but I didn't and now I'm paying the price. *hack, cough, sniff* I hope I will survive and not be all snotty and stuff during my interview. Oh well, I guess it's perfect timing!!Geez...

Anyway, so I missed both my guy guy's call and the M&M guys IMs last night. I wasn't feeling all that well and I dozed off. That made for a depressing night. I chatted with the other guy for a while until my cell went dead. (What's up with that?? brand new and goes dead!!) Also a contributing factor to missing my guy guy's phone call. Hopefully I will get to see him tonight before I head out into the unknown...OK, so it's known but that really sounded cool!!

What does my future hold for me?? That is the big question. Am I gonna get the job and move away, leaving behind two great guys or am I gonna get shot down, come back to Ohio with my tail between my legs and find comfort in the arms of these two great guys?? Huh, who knows!! Only time will tell....

2 More Days....

OK, now the Nashville interview is getting really really close!! I am getting really excited about it but I also have some excitement waiting for me when I get back... So the M&M's guy decided we should meet up!! Yup, sneaky Lisa has won a date with the elusive M&M's guy. I don't know if its confidence or what that got me the date. I mean, you have to admire a girl who goes after what she wants. BUT, it's only an innocent meeting. I mean, he's still got his girl and I've still got my guy guy. Totally innocent... Just meeting up so he can meet me in person. I mean, remember, he never met me at the concert...Hell, he might not even like me.. It's funny though cause while we are chatting it's like we are soo much the same. We have the same kind of opinions and the same personality style. It's just fun because he picks up on every little thing I throw at him, and all while we are chatting. I mean, talking in person, it's easier to pick up on all the little things but chatting... well, that takes some skill. He has to read each message like I intend for it to be read. I just think it's totally cool. So, for me, that's exciting. I mean, with my lack of self esteem, this was a big boost. Again though, my personality clinched the deal!!

On the other hand, my guy guy wanted to see me this week before I left for my interview so we are meeting up on Tuesday. Yeah, I do feel way guilty about talking to the M&M's guy when I do have a great guy guy who wants to spend time with me. But, my guy guy kinda sends me mixed signals. I don't think he means too but I want to feel attractive and wanted. He doesn't do that for me very often. I know he doesn't really know that but that bothers me a little. I am excited though because his band is gonna try to book a gig at a local bar here. That will be totally cool for all my friends to go see my guy guy beating his drums!! hehehehe... He's really good too.

Do you think it's wrong to be interested in two guys at the same time?? I mean, like really really interested?? I did just get out of a relationship and someone is gonna be my rebound but both of these guys are totally date material...not rebound status. I think they both have qualities that could keep me happy and interested for a long while. I would hate to not give them both a chance. I mean, one of them could be what I've been looking for!! OK, so I don't really know what I've been looking for but I think they both are great. I guess if I would go back through my blog I could find all the characteristics I look for in a guy. I know one thing, I want a guy with goals. I want a guy who is driven to succeed and always wants to be better. Can I find that guy so soon after a broken relationship?? Is it possible?? Well, whatever happens, I'm glad I met both of these guys and that they are a part of my life. Good or bad they will always be a friend!! I just wonder whats gonna happen next.....

Hangin with friends is great....

So, last night was a 'hang-with-friends' night!! It was fun. Me and one of my guy friends went to meet my girlfriends to watch my ole alma mater play basketball. Had a really good time. I know most of the kids that play from where I work in the school so it was fun to cheer them on. I just love winning. I can't help it. I'm competitive!!! Anyway, afterwards we went around Athens...

Of course the college students are back in town and the place was jumpin'!! Everywhere, there were hot college guys. I am actually considering going back to school. Only I felt really really old around all the college kids. I mean, 21 was the most common age. 25 is old in a college town!! Oh well, it was still a good time. I even called my guy guy and asked if he wanted to come and hang out and he opted to stay home.... I must have freaked him out or something. I don't know, maybe I'm too aggressive. I really have no clue what's going on. I think I got blown off though...

Well, I do like him and he's really sweet but it's not like I don't have anyone else I'm interested in. I mean, M&M's guy is still there to lust over. I talked to another guy too. I would hate to give up on my guy guy because he is really really sweet and cool. I love hanging out with him and it seems like we both have a good time. I just don't know where he's at with all this. I don't know. He's in the drivers seat. If he chooses to kick me out of his car, I guess I'll just have to deal with that. Find a new ride. Hence, playing the field.

Speaking of the M&M's guy. I think me and him would really hit it off. I mean, we seem to believe alot of the same things. And, he has a little wild side, to go with my little wild side. OK, I admit it, a slightly larger wild side!! I do alot for the shock factor I guess you could say. But, he doesn't shy away from my shock factor moments. Of course, he hasn't met me really. I mean, I know who he is and he's seen pictures of me but I don't think he really remembers me from the concert. Which kinda bums me out cause that means I wasn't rememberable. And that is one of my biggest fears...not being remembered.

I always wondered about the people who go to parties and no one even knew they were there. Why would you want to be like that?? I mean, if I'm at a party, I want everyone to say, yeah, man, Lisa was at that party. I remember her!! OK, so I like to be the center of attention... I like to be noticed. I figure that goes with my self-esteem issues and my personality. So yeah, I think I have a kick ass personality. I think that where I lack in looks, my personality picks up the slack!! I'm glad I have a great personality. That's better than being drop dead gorgous. It will get you farther in life.

3 more days till I leave for my interview. I hope everyone that reads my blog is crossing their fingers and saying a little prayer. I mean, I'm OK with my life right now but not with my career stuff. The lack of is driving me crazy!! I have so much to offer and I'm not using any of it with my current job. And that scares me. I'm basically wasting away!! So, in 3 more days, maybe I can change that.... I hope so....

Keepin Busy.....

So the water is here again. In September we had horrible flooding. Pomeroy was underwater. Same thing again.... Marietta, Athens, Pomeroy all have flooding.. It's crazy.. Course that didn't stop me from keeping busy. Thursday night I went with my girlfriend to see "The Aviator", the bioepic of Howard Hughes. It was very good. I am reading his bio right now and he was a very intriguing man. Yeah, he went crazy but wouldn't it be awesome to meet a man who has big dreams and makes them happen!! That's the kinda man I want. Anyway, there was some parts in the movie that were mixed around to make him seem crazier than he was and I didn't like that, but all in all, Leo should win his Oscar!! He deserves one.

So, my girlfriend and I went to the mall to see the movie and we did some shopping. I was a nervous wreck because the possiblities of seeing the ex with his girlfriend was very high. See, he had his schedule set to where he had the same days off as I did. I hate that now!!! So, there was a chance that he could have been there. Course, I find it extremely funny that he takes this new girl to the mall all the time when he was selling his plasma to have gas money to drive to college. He couldn't afford to take me out. Of course, I didn't care, I didn't need taking out. I was just happy to have him around, but hell, that all changes.

Last night I made the trip to my guy guy's stomping ground. We chilled at his house and watched movies all night long. It was a good time but I figured in his comfort area he would pick up the pace.. Wrong!! So, yeah, I'm getting a little frustrated. I mean, I want to be with someone who seems interested in me. You know. Someone that makes me feel attractive. When he does step it up, I feel that way but a lot of the time, I just feel like a friend hangin' out. I dont know.

I have had many conversations through email with my M&M's guy. He at least makes me feel like he's interested in me. The things he says and stuff. He seems like a really awesome guy and I get all goofy and stupid when I get an email from him. Kinda like a giddy school girl, y'know. That awesome feeling. I get that with my guy guy too but then it fizzles when he doesn't play with me. You know, flirt back and stuff. I love to do that. I love to seem like I'm really sneaky but basically it's very obvious what I am trying to do. Like I asked the M&M's guy where would be the best place to run into him? He, of course, played along and said we could possibly 'run into' eachother at a restaurant or a movie sometime... See, I love that. I love that playing. Even if he's not interested, sure does make me feel good. Puts a smile on my face. Course, I get that smile on my face after my guy guy kisses me... Probably cause he doesn't do it very often and when he does, I feel like he's interested and possibilities start rolling through my head.... And then, it takes him like 4 more hours before he kisses me again... Can you see where I'm having the issues?!??!!? It will be fine though. I can handle it. Just not used to not being in the drivers seat!! I mean,I could asked him to let me drive, but then that might freak him out, so I'll set patiently in the passenger seat and wait it out.

On another note, my cousin called me last night and told me she was getting married!! And she asked me to be in the wedding... Hell yeah, she is my favorite cousin. When she lived down here, we were inseperatable. I love her to death and she deserves the most beautiful wedding ever. That was really good news!!

Also, 4 days until I leave for my interview. It's getting really really close. I hope it's not some stupid job, you know. I mean the companies website is very vague about what the job actually is and what they actually do. That makes me nervous. I mean, I want the job, if it's an awesome job, but I don't want to move if I'm gonna hate my job and want to quit. I know you see what I'm saying.

Anyway, I should get off here. I need to quit skipping days and then having a massive long post. I'll try to do better... Oh, another thing. I printed off the Survivor application. It's due in by the 14th. I hope I can get everything together by then and get it sent out. I should be able to handle a 3 minute video. The passport might be the problem:( Oh well, I'm gonna try!!! Wish me luck....

I'm Gonna be Fine...

I realized today that I am going to be fine. Thoughts still slip into my head every now and again but not as painful as it once was. Sure, my guy guy has a lot to do with that but also, I think I'm getting used to his decision. He decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. Yes, that hurt very much but you know, you can't make somebody love you. Although, I tried, you just can't. Today a friend told me she saw her, his new girlfriend. Although I didn't want to hear about it, she looked at me and said, "she isn't that pretty, Lisa. Not as pretty as you." That meant a lot. Yeah, I want him to be with someone less attractive, but that wasn't what made me smile. It was the fact that yet again, a friend stepped up for me. She gave me the little boost that I needed for the day. It made me feel good. And you know, she looked me in the eye, she wasn't lying. She meant what she said. I know he doesn't have that. I know he doesn't have people that care for him like I do. My range of friends reaches so far and wide that just about anywhere I go, I have someone there for me. Not just acquaintances either. True friends. People that value me as their friend, someone they can always come to for anything. Yeah, I still don't want to run into him because that will still hurt me, but I'm gonna be OK.

My guy guy calls me every night. He sends me sweet text messages. He just makes me smile just thinking about him. I haven't seen him since my New Years party. I'm going to his neck of the woods on Friday. I can't wait till then!! I just want to spend more time with him. The friends have decided on another ski trip in February. I asked my guy guy if he wanted to go with me. He said yes. That should be interesting. Of course, it all depends on next week. My interview. I still really hope I have a good interview. Although I'm happier with the situation here, I still need to get out to better myself. This place is just holding me back. A good thing is, I no longer look at it as running away from him. It's more like running towards a better me. Course, I'm not there yet! I don't have the job. So I don't really have anything to lose. Just do it, do it!!*hehehehe, "starsky and Hutch", love that movie*

I would love to be on Survivor too!! I think I could totally stir it there. Be a well known name when I came home. Not as bad as Jerri but I think I could be a memorable player!! Wouldn't that be cool!!! Anyway, that was kinda an afterthought. Oh well, at least it wasn't some sad ex boyfriend afterthought. Life is getting better, at least for the moment...

Still going good....

Well, I chatted last night with the M&M's guy again. We had a good long chat session but he is dating someone. They have been together for a month so I told him about my guy guy. He said we should at least keep chatting and if something happens then we could be eachothers back up!! I think that is a super plan cause I do wanna get to know my guy guy better. I sent the M&M's guy the picture of me and my guy guy and he said I should have picked someone uglier for a rebound, this guy could be really good for me. It was a really nice conversation. He is 23 and he loves his job.... Oh how i envy him.

Well, nine more days until my interview. Yeah, I'm getting kinda nervous. I thought about taking my guy guy with me but what if I don't get the job and cry from Nashville to Ohio. That wouldn't be a fun trip for him, plus, he would get lost if I let him drive..heheheheh... he has no sense of direction... It's one of his cute qualities. It makes me smile. Anyway, The M&M's guy now basically knows that I hunted him down. I pretty much spelled it out for him. I told him, when I want something I try my darnedest to get it....and I really wanted those concert pictures. Then I asked him if he caught all of that. He said he sure did:) Man, it was fun. Course, the book said not to do stuff like that but man it's fun to show someone your interested. I would love to show my guy guy how interested I am but he likes to move slow. OK, really slow... hehehehee... another cute quality. Well, it will just heighten the experience I guess.

Somebody made a comment about me being sought after. No, not really, I had to find each one myself basically. I had to show interest and then sit back and see what happens. I wish I had a line of guys lined up to date me. It just has never happened that way. I always had to work at it. I don't feel sorry for any celebrity or model who says they can't get a date cause that is just crap. Oh well, I like where I'm at right now and I hope it keeps getting better....

So Far, So Good....

Me and my guy guy on New Years!! 
2005 hasn't been all that bad so far. I hung out with my friend today. We went to the movies and had a pretty good time. We saw "Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events" and it was a classic Jim Carey movie. I have read the entire series of these books so it wasn't quite up to par with what I expected. Still a really good movie though. We stopped at Walmart, not the one the ex works in, and bought some movies and had a fun time. It was just a good day. Yesterday I had one little itty bitty relapze when I came across a video clip of my ex. We were making a film for my cousin who was going to japan and he was joining me down by the river. He was walking down the hill and he walks over, out of the screen and you can hear him give me a kiss. That was a nice moment. A 'really-felt-loved' moment. Hopefully I can have those kinda moments with someone else. Maybe even my guy guy. He really is very sweet and charming and just nice to me. He makes me laugh. That's really what I need right now anyway. I really think he is a great guy. But, like I said, not ready for serious yet. I think that is gonna take me a while.

Today, I also chatted with the M&M's guy.. Can you believe that!! I regretted not talking to him and I just searched him out and chatted with him. OK, so I was a little sneaky about it. I didn't tell him I was interested in him, just kinda played dumb you know. I figure, if he gets interested in me then maybe we could go out, if not, that's ok, I do have my guy guy. I wouldn't want to hurt him anyway. But, I'm not going to let any opportunities pass me by. I did that for a year and a half. I have no clue if he will ever be interested. He saw my picture, the same one on this blog, I think I look good. If he's not interested then OK. Ball's in his court. Anyway, I figure its 2005, what the heck, just go for it...

Happy New Years... Hello 2005!!!

Well, 2004 was a big year for me. Well, only the last couple of months. Not as in a good big year but an eventfull one. I experienced what really being in love with someone felt like. I experienced being completely heartbroken by the one you love. And I experienced the pain of being cheated on. I have went through soo many emotions lately that I'm not sure where I'm at right now. Today, I'm doing really good. I brought in the new year with most of my closest friends and with a guy by my side. That was a huge step in the move on direction. I'm not completely there. I guess I just won't let myself feel too much for this guy because most of my heart still belongs to my ex but I'm slowly getting it back. It's not like my ex didn't toss it back at me when he got his new girlfriend.

I just wonder if he's finding it different like I am. I mean, I figure if you are attracted to someone and they are nice and fun, you should be able to just move on. I mean, I wonder if he ever thinks of me while he's with her. I do him. Not that I want too, he just kinda jumps in on occasion. Kinda like that damn angel/devil thing that sits on your shoulders and whispers in your ear. When I'm having a good time, he's setting there saying, "you shouldn't be having fun. You are in love with me. You told me so. You shouldn't be smiling at this guy. That was my smile." I hate that little voice. I would love to drop kick his ass outa my head. I want to smile at this guy. He's nice and cute and funny and even interesting. Why shouldn't I smile at him? Love freakin sucks!!

Anywho, I smiled at him alot last night. I smiled at him until 6:30am this morning. He's a totally different person than my ex. I have to be the aggresive one. Which is kinda fun, but it also makes me feel that he's not into me....Geez, I better go back and read the book again. I don't remember what it said about these situations. See, now I'm gonna overanalyze it. Oh well, I'll just go with the flow. It's not like I'm really ready for serious anyway.

So the New Years Party was pretty fun. We played darts and Catchphrase which is the best board game ever. Drank alot and ate a little. Everyone got along and even welcomed in the newbies of the group. My friends never cease to amaze me. They are just the greatest people on the face of this earth. I hope everyone can have friends like mine. I know a lot of people don't. They don't experience true friendship, like they don't experience true love. I don't believe my life would be worth living if I didn't have my friends. How do people with no friends function??? I guess I should just ask my ex... OK, so that was mean but, yeah, he deserves it!! Anyway, I hope everyone else has a great new year and I hope 2005 has a lot in store for my life...