Relapse.....

OK, so who would have guessed that after soo long a time, I would relapse... It wasn't a horrible relapse but it was just pretty hurtful. My 41 and single guy friend called me to inform me that he went to Walmart and that my ex was waving at him and smiling, trying to get him to come over and talk. He told me he didn't talk to him. OK, that's good because that is what I expect for my friends to do. What bothers me is my ex doing that. He had only met my friend twice and it wasn't for a very long time. Why does he think that he should talk to my friends after what he did to me? They were only his friends because he was dating me, not because he has qualities that they can't live without.. OK, so I thought about which of my friends talk to him. I'm sure a lot do just to not be rude and that pisses me off. But anyway, that's not what made me relapse.

OK, so I have come to the conclusion that my guy guy is not interested in me... OK, that hurts the self esteem a little. I mean, at one point I think he was interested but I don't feel a lick of that anymore. And that sucks... That gets me thinkin' that my ex has someone and I don't. That hurts because I'm a better person than he is.. So, I was a little bent out of shape about that when I went to my friend's house. Well, him being a guy and all he has FHM magazine. I look at it everytime I'm over there and pick out the girl I want to look like... Well, there is a section where a girl can send in a sexy picture of herself and then basically bad mouth her ex. Like 'can you believe this guy cheated on this girl' kinda thing... well, I'm kinda interested in doing that so I was discussing it with my friend. He told me I shouldn't send in a picture of my ex because they might want him to model.... ok, ouch.... Basically, Lisa you will never get anyone as attractive as he is, he is model material. Yeah, so that made me need a drink!!

We went to one bar and drank a couple and then we headed to another bar and drank a couple more. Well, it just so happened that a 16 yr old girl came in with her mother. She started talking and me, feeling pretty good, asked her what school she went to and if she knew Abby, the girl my ex cheated on me with. She was like, 'yeah, she's a whore, man, I'm not gonna talk to Tim anymore.' So she told me she had been talking to Tim and her cousin had also been talking to Tim but now he was dating a girl who worked at McClures in Middleport. OK, so all that stuff didn't bother me. What bothered me was when my friend said, Oh, I know who she is now. She's the really hot, skinny girl. Ouch...*kick in the face*

OK, so maybe you haven't noticed but I have a little issue with my weight. It's actually a big issue and I've dealt with it my entire life. My friend knew this. Yet, he called my ex's new girlfriend 'really hot, skinny.' Now, I'm completely depressed because my weight was probably an issue with my ex too, he just never said anything. I've lost 17 pounds since him and I thought I was doing good but I guess I'll have to lose another 20 to look anywhere near close to her size... I don't want him back, don't think that... I just want to be wanted, by anyone... I mean, I haven't heard from the M&M's guy, my guy guy doesn't seem interested... it just seems like my life is falling apart. All those things that were keeping my head above water are gone now. Plus, I just wonder who of my friends are still civil to my ex, who broke my heart and cheated on me.... I just don't get it... If someone hurts my friend, they don't get to be my friend anymore. Case Closed. You hurt my friend, you basically hurt me.

Well, I know I need to get over this, I really do. And I was doing really really good. I guess I just need to find someone else to take my mind off of all this stuff. Someone who will make me feel sexy and beautiful. Or maybe I should just seek therapy.....