Love fooled....

Well, as you can see, my mind is working overtime. Why I can't just let things be, I'll never know. Thanx to the help of Tylenol PM I actually got about 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I am very thankful for that. I did awake at 5:30 with new thoughts on the break up. Again, I'm gonna blame my stupidity. I believe there were plenty of signs where Pit Guy said "just let me go" but for my own selfish reasons, I held on.

About two weeks ago, I took a trip home for a doctor's appointment. When I returned, Pit Guy was setting alone drinking. We had a disagreement that night, nothing big, I just went to bed. As the evening progressed he got more upset with the fact that I wasn't spending time with him and he had to leave the next morning for a test. It got to the point where he said things like 'you are nothing to me, if I lose you then I'm not losing anything' ' you will never make it down here without me, you might as well go back to ohio' 'you are so stupid, I can't believe you graduated high school, let alone college, I want to see your degree because I can't believe it' 'you are nothing. I have dated Abercrombie models and Hustler models, you don't even compare to them' OK, so the jackass who came up with the phrase, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me".... what an ass. Those words right there hurt me bad even though they were spoken during a drunken state of mind. I still believe that alcohol is a truth serum and anything said while drunk was something you always think but never say. So I was really hurt.

The next morning, he gave me a kiss and told me he loved me before leaving. He didn't remember a thing. I should have taken that as a sign that he wanted out. He was really trying that night and I still held on. So again, I have been Love fooled. I would love to hate him, but I can't. I even prayed to God to help him find his way and for him to have a great life. Not to bring him back to me, because I don't know if that will be a great life for him.

I need to figure out what my problems are and fix them before I die alone. But, I'm also holding on to one thing "If you love something, set it free and if it comes back, then you know it's meant to be." I would like to believe that that was actually the reason for the break up. I guess that's my fairy tale way of thinking because in reality, I haven't heard from him so I'm sure I'm a distant memory to him now. For some reason, I always want the other to hurt as bad as me. But it never turns out that way. I guess I just bring the pain on myself. I wish I could drink away my sorrows, but that's not me.

Well, my parents are coming down this weekend. I kinda need a support system right now. Hopefully I won't cry on their shoulders the entire time there here. I am glad they are coming though. That will take my mind off things for a couple of days. I hope to get a puppy in the next couple of weeks. I'm also looking at some houses. I'm gonna get my passport so I can apply for "Survivor". I already have my video done and ready and the application filled out. I just need proof of getting a passport. See, I'm trying to make things happen. Maybe this break up is what I needed to get myself in gear again. Maybe I should thank him for it.... I don't know yet though.... We'll see...

24 hours later....

Well, he's been gone for over 24 hours. I made it. This is the first day of the rest of my life. I need to make things happen for myself. After work, I stopped at the YMCA in Mooresville and I'm gonna join. Hopefully, I will meet some new people and make some new friends. My own friends. And there are males there too. Heck, maybe the man of my dreams. And if that doesn't happen, then at least I can work really hard to get a great body and maybe pit guy will regret losing me. I guess today I worked on thinking up ways to hate him. I deal better with hate. I mean, he didn't really do anything wrong to me. He wasn't very nice to me at all times, but it didn't end badly. I mean, we talked and were civil to eachother. Today though, my thoughts went back to why he was really with me. Was he just wanting a place to stay? Was he using me? Did he plan on leaving me after what I thought was the best week we had together? Of course my answers are all negative to these. I want to believe he's not the guy his friends made him out to be, but maybe he is or was. I just hope that some part of me sticks with him and improves his life. I'm not an angel or a great person by no means, but I did try very hard to help him and make it work. I guess love shouldn't be that hard. Well... I wasted some time coming home like touring the Y and even went and looked at a possible house to buy. Pulling in the driveway was the hardest thing. I didn't shed a tear, but there was the possiblity. They were there. I just talked myself out of it. I hope tomorrow gets better.....

No sleep, imagine that....

Well, I made it through one whole night without him. And let me tell you, I don't know if I can do it again. I called my parents soo many times just so they could tell me I would be alright. Everyone says I'm a strong person but I'm not. My heart makes me weak. I miss him more than words can describe and for some reason I can only see all the good times we had... I can't find the bad, even though I know they were there... Right now, he would have been kissing me goodbye and telling me to have a nice day at work as he headed out the door. And I would be smiling at him and smile for several minutes after he left. I guess I took advantage of that. I guess I didn't appreciate that enough. That was a good thing every day. I woke up at 3:11 a.m. and realized he wasn't here and he would never be here again. Why do I do this stuff to myself. Why do I get attached. But you know, they always leave me. I told him that, everyone always leaves me and he promised he wouldn't. But he did. Just like the rest of them. Maybe it is completely my fault. Maybe I did throw away the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I couldn't be because I do remember being hurt alot by his words. After the saddness and pain goes away (which we all know takes me forever) then maybe I can look back and learn from this one. I haven't closed the door on him. I told him that if he called and asked me on a date, I wouldn't tell him No. But I'm not gonna hold my breath for that. You know, his friends had all told me about him. Negative things. But you know, that wasn't the Pit Guy I knew for 6 months. That wasn't the one who would hold me on the couch when we watched a movie. But maybe I had the fake one and he really is all those things they said... or maybe, just maybe, I made him a better person... That is my hope because believe me, he is the first guy I truly believe in. I believe he could do anything he ever wanted to do. He is the smartest guy I've dated and he has so much potential. I hope he realizes that. He could be a very great person if only he would try. He could be the man of my dreams. And maybe he is now with just a couple of flaws. I don't know. I guess I just need to get over it. Focus on me and my life and not worry about finding someone to fill the void in my heart. Actually, it's not a void, he's still there but it just hurts. I feel like a part of me is missing. Like I'm half alive. Well, I made my bed I guess so now I just gotta sleep in it.... Thanx again for listening...

Guess what trip I'm takin' again....

Yeah, remember the reason the blog was created... Well, I'm gonna go on that same trip again. I guess the inevidentable finally happened. Pit Guy moved out. It was a long time comin' I guess I just didn't want to believe it. You know, I thought my other ex made an impact on me, Pit Guy, he takes the cake for heartache. He just dragged his out longer. He didn't cheat or anything, we just couldn't make it work. It wasn't all his fault, I know you all know that but it just didn't work. I wish it did. I have never been in love like that before. But I picked myself up from the last one, I can do it again. The only difference is I'm not surrounded by my family and friends. I feel really really alone.... But I know I'm not alone, I do have friends here, it's just I don't know what life is like here without Pit Guy. I hope I can be strong enough to eventually stay friends with him. I told him that if he wanted to try to work at it later on, that I would be up for it. The love is still there, I guess I just needed more than a perfect boyfriend from "Monday to Thursday".

We really were great all week long but we never could make it through a weekend. I just wanted to go out like boyfriend/girlfriend. I wanted him to hold my hand and give me kisses instead of looking at me like a DD. He showered me with love when we were home alone but out among people, he just wasn't there. He said I treated him bad. I tried not to but I might have. I apologized to him for it. I don't believe that I was the soul reason for the breakup. Well, he didn't like me writing on my blog but I guess it doesn't matter now. This is a way to deal with the pain. You will probably be seeing alot of posts from me. They won't be mean though, not like my other ex. This one didn't hurt me in that way. It just hurts that we couldn't make it work with everything that we had. I believe there was so much love between us but then again, I could be wrong. He got an apartment and I hope he has a great life. And I do truly mean that. Although I do hope that in the future he looks back and realizes what he lost.

Happy 2006!!

OK, so maybe I jumped a little too soon on the break up thing. I guess what I thought and what he thought were two different things. We decided to see if we can make it work... so far so good. We had a great new years though. We hung out with all of our friends down here and it was a great time. It's weird because we do fit well together. We just look right together. Anyway, I guess it's time for New Years Resolutions. Last year I did pretty good. I did at least half of them. OK, this year.

1. Lose weight!! (yeah yeah, I know, but see, I got happy and put on some pounds that I lost during last year's depression!!)
2. Get toned up!!
3. Be more open with my feelings.
4. Tell my family I love them more and how much they mean to me.
5. Try to be less selfish and give more to others.
6. Call my Grandma more often.
7. Write more letters....snail mail.
8. Eat healthier.
9. Go to Grad School.
10. Keep making people laugh!!

So that shouldn't be that hard. The first couple are gonna be a combined thing, me and Pit Guy are getting gym passes. After I've been here a year, I want to go to UNC Charlotte and get my Masters in communications. It should be a good year. I've left alot behind and there's sooo much to come. Man, life is really exciting.... Bring it on, 2006!!!