Love fooled....

Well, as you can see, my mind is working overtime. Why I can't just let things be, I'll never know. Thanx to the help of Tylenol PM I actually got about 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I am very thankful for that. I did awake at 5:30 with new thoughts on the break up. Again, I'm gonna blame my stupidity. I believe there were plenty of signs where Pit Guy said "just let me go" but for my own selfish reasons, I held on.

About two weeks ago, I took a trip home for a doctor's appointment. When I returned, Pit Guy was setting alone drinking. We had a disagreement that night, nothing big, I just went to bed. As the evening progressed he got more upset with the fact that I wasn't spending time with him and he had to leave the next morning for a test. It got to the point where he said things like 'you are nothing to me, if I lose you then I'm not losing anything' ' you will never make it down here without me, you might as well go back to ohio' 'you are so stupid, I can't believe you graduated high school, let alone college, I want to see your degree because I can't believe it' 'you are nothing. I have dated Abercrombie models and Hustler models, you don't even compare to them' OK, so the jackass who came up with the phrase, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me".... what an ass. Those words right there hurt me bad even though they were spoken during a drunken state of mind. I still believe that alcohol is a truth serum and anything said while drunk was something you always think but never say. So I was really hurt.

The next morning, he gave me a kiss and told me he loved me before leaving. He didn't remember a thing. I should have taken that as a sign that he wanted out. He was really trying that night and I still held on. So again, I have been Love fooled. I would love to hate him, but I can't. I even prayed to God to help him find his way and for him to have a great life. Not to bring him back to me, because I don't know if that will be a great life for him.

I need to figure out what my problems are and fix them before I die alone. But, I'm also holding on to one thing "If you love something, set it free and if it comes back, then you know it's meant to be." I would like to believe that that was actually the reason for the break up. I guess that's my fairy tale way of thinking because in reality, I haven't heard from him so I'm sure I'm a distant memory to him now. For some reason, I always want the other to hurt as bad as me. But it never turns out that way. I guess I just bring the pain on myself. I wish I could drink away my sorrows, but that's not me.

Well, my parents are coming down this weekend. I kinda need a support system right now. Hopefully I won't cry on their shoulders the entire time there here. I am glad they are coming though. That will take my mind off things for a couple of days. I hope to get a puppy in the next couple of weeks. I'm also looking at some houses. I'm gonna get my passport so I can apply for "Survivor". I already have my video done and ready and the application filled out. I just need proof of getting a passport. See, I'm trying to make things happen. Maybe this break up is what I needed to get myself in gear again. Maybe I should thank him for it.... I don't know yet though.... We'll see...