No sleep, imagine that....

Well, I made it through one whole night without him. And let me tell you, I don't know if I can do it again. I called my parents soo many times just so they could tell me I would be alright. Everyone says I'm a strong person but I'm not. My heart makes me weak. I miss him more than words can describe and for some reason I can only see all the good times we had... I can't find the bad, even though I know they were there... Right now, he would have been kissing me goodbye and telling me to have a nice day at work as he headed out the door. And I would be smiling at him and smile for several minutes after he left. I guess I took advantage of that. I guess I didn't appreciate that enough. That was a good thing every day. I woke up at 3:11 a.m. and realized he wasn't here and he would never be here again. Why do I do this stuff to myself. Why do I get attached. But you know, they always leave me. I told him that, everyone always leaves me and he promised he wouldn't. But he did. Just like the rest of them. Maybe it is completely my fault. Maybe I did throw away the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I couldn't be because I do remember being hurt alot by his words. After the saddness and pain goes away (which we all know takes me forever) then maybe I can look back and learn from this one. I haven't closed the door on him. I told him that if he called and asked me on a date, I wouldn't tell him No. But I'm not gonna hold my breath for that. You know, his friends had all told me about him. Negative things. But you know, that wasn't the Pit Guy I knew for 6 months. That wasn't the one who would hold me on the couch when we watched a movie. But maybe I had the fake one and he really is all those things they said... or maybe, just maybe, I made him a better person... That is my hope because believe me, he is the first guy I truly believe in. I believe he could do anything he ever wanted to do. He is the smartest guy I've dated and he has so much potential. I hope he realizes that. He could be a very great person if only he would try. He could be the man of my dreams. And maybe he is now with just a couple of flaws. I don't know. I guess I just need to get over it. Focus on me and my life and not worry about finding someone to fill the void in my heart. Actually, it's not a void, he's still there but it just hurts. I feel like a part of me is missing. Like I'm half alive. Well, I made my bed I guess so now I just gotta sleep in it.... Thanx again for listening...