Out of My Head....

Today started out pretty good. I awoke from another Dale Jr dream (can't get enough of those!!) and planned my day. I was gonna go christmas shopping. I picked out a pair of jeans and a shirt that I would look cute and thin in, in case I ran into any cute guys. I jumped in the shower, sang loudly again to the songs that remind me of my ex and got dressed. I even did my hair and put on makeup which is very rare for me, but hey, I'm back on the market, I need to look enticing. I put on a cute t-bog (for those of you in any other part of the country - a knit cap) and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked cute, at least I thought I did. I did get some looks during my shopping, but I didn't run into anyone I would have liked to run into....no, I don't mean my ex either.

You know, I kinda feel bad about the way I was with him. I never tried to look nice because I thought he loved me for how I was. I guess maybe if I would have tried harder to always look nice, maybe he wouldn't have strayed. I'm not gonna blame myself for that though. I will remember that in the future. I put on 10 lbs with him. I always struggled with my weight and that was really hard for me. When I started noticing the extra weight, I started feeling really unattractive and unsexy. It put a damper on our relationship. I obsessed over it day after day. It's gone now, and a few extra pounds with it... It's amazing what the HEARTBREAK diet will do for you. Since he cheated, I have lost 13 lbs and I feel alot sexier. Maybe if I lose 10 more, he will look at me and think I'm beautiful again. Maybe he will regret cheating on me. I realize I gain weight when I am happy, I lose weight when I am unhappy...go figure..

Anyway, it's 7:49pm on a Saturday night and I am home alone - slowly relapsing. During my day of shopping, I saw couples holding hands and kissing and sharing their christmas shopping experience. That was really hard for me. I was never the kind for PDA (Public Display of Affection) but I was with him. I was proud to be on his arm. He is very attractive and I never thought I could date someone so good looking. I always felt like the ugly girl with the hot boyfriend. You've all seen them in the mall, girls with hot guys who you think should be with equally hot girls. That's a hard feeling to deal with. Of course, he isn't as attractive as I thought he was...his personality and actions ruined that.

If I went out with the UPS man, I would be with someone much hotter than my ex. I read my UPS post again and I really hope that something comes of that. I imagined me and him walking hand in hand into my ex's workplace. People seeing me with many girls' fantasy guy. That would hopefully help my self esteem a bit. It probably won't happen but it's a nice thought. I create these scenerios in my head, just like me running into someone when I went shopping, then when it doesn't happen, I am disappointed. I just set myself up for disappointment. Anyway, saddness and depression are creeping in. Alone again on Saturday night....