Was I Hit By A Bus?????

No, that's right, a mountain beat on me all day.... Boy am I sore. My whole body aches but you know the last time I felt like that was when I found out my ex cheated so at least this why, I got it honest. I got a work out I guess. That's awesome stuff. So, you might be wondering why I decided to post so early in the morning...well, I didn't sleep well last night after the mysterious messaging from the ex. It got me thinking about alot of stuff. It made me realize that I was still on his list and he knew whenever I was online. Well, truth be known, I do chat with two guys on there quite often.

See, during my healing process I removed him from everything I have. I didn't want to see him online. I didn't want to keep his phone number in my phone. Believe me, at my weakest moments I would probably dial him up. I don't want that. I have to remember that he has moved on. He is just trying to keep a friendship. I understand what he's doing. I was gonna do that with my ex that I broke up with that I wasn't in love with. It's easy to say you can be friends when your feelings are gone. I knew my ex wouldn't want that though. I didn't message him, or call him or anything. I took it for what it was, an ended relationship. Although my ex was not that great to me, I would still be his friend (the ex who didn't cheat). But, I know we can't really do that. Which is fine, I wasn't his friend before we dated anyway.

My current ex will realize in his future relationships why I can't be his friend. I was his first real relationship that was long lasting, he will have many more and he will be in my position sometime. He will see that it's not actually a weakness that I have, its a self preservation mechanism. I'm just looking out for myself because my stupid heart doesn't like to listen to me!! I just listen to some of the things I pray for when I'm in bed at night. Stupid things like bringing him back to me and making him love me again. That is my heart talking, not my head. I then have to create future situations in my head that doesn't include him. I have to help myself not dream about him so then at least I can get a peaceful night's sleep which is one of my joys in life!!

You know, I have every right to be angry with him. I wish I could just channel that anger to destroy the good memories. If you have seen the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" I think I would do what she did with no question about it. I would have him completely erased from my memory if I could. Yeah, the good memories were great but all they bring me is heartache and pain so do I really need them? I mean, he's gone so why should all the good times we had together still be with me. It should all walk away with him. I know that people would think I would regret it but you know, I don't think I would. I don't think I would miss the good memories if I wasn't aware that I ever had them. I would do it. I would do it today if anyone knows where it can be done. I still believe it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but I also believe that pain sucks and I would do whatever I could to get rid of the pain.

So, as a closing note, if anyone has any knowledge on the memory erasing thing, please email me cause I am totally interested...