Slam....ouch....

Well, I have hit rock bottom again. It is now 7:18pm on a Saturday night. I went against my boycott of his workplace and went there with my mom. I figured he wasn't working. Course, the closer we got to the place, my stomach started to turn into knots. I didn't even want to walk around and shop, I just wanted to go set out in the car. Every girl I saw, I wondered if he was dating her. That was hard enough. Then on the way home, I saw him. He was putting gas in his car at the gas station and he was dressed up. It was 6:30, time to go out on a date... OK, so I'm at the bottom of the pit again. I was probably 15 steps up on the ladder and I lost my grip and let go. Tears are falling and the pain is back. Even the up chuck reflex. My mom, being supportive as she is said, "when are you gonna get over him?" She said, " you didn't even want him." I said, "I didn't want him because he didn't want me." She said, "well, you should have treated him better when you had him." OK, so all I really needed was a hug from someone who loved me and tell me it was going to be alright. I was gonna find someone else even better, but I can't look to my mom for that. I know I should have treated him better. I realized that before we broke up. Gawd, it hurts soo much. I need to get out of here, I can't see him like that. I don't know why I expected him to set at home like me and miss me like I miss him. Why did I expect him not to date anyone else?? I don't get it, I am so stupid to do this to myself. I was trying so hard to stay away from anywhere he might be, trying to not see him.

He is probably opening his date's door right now, like he used to with me. I never told him how much I appreciated that. Maybe she will. He's probably taking her hand right now in his or putting his hand in the small of her back to lead her into the restaurant or movie theater like he used to with me. I loved that so much. I got to stop doing this to myself. It will be a month on Monday. How long does it take to get over the love of your life?? Please say it takes a month and then you are good as new!! I really need to feel good again. If I move, I won't have to worry about seeing him. I need that so much. I really need that.

Now I have to start from the bottom again...