Does the pain ever go away??

OK, it's been two weeks and five days since me and my ex ended it. I went out to eat last night with my divorced friend and we met some of his friends at a bar and hung out. It was fun to hang out and have a couple of guys interested in me, but my mind kept going back to him. Today, while I was in the shower, I was thinking about how "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and how much I realized that when I went to Talladega without him. I thought about how much I wanted to get back into his arms and tell him, then a sharp pain hit me... he didn't miss me, he slept with someone else. You know, there are moments you just realize the power of what he did... I haven't forgotten it but boy does it make you feel....well, plain sh*tty. That's kinda where I'm at right now. I'm on vacation and I'm single and I'm remembering.... it's not turning out to be very good.

I checked out a book at the library entitled, "he's just not that into you: The No-Excuses Truth To Understanding Guys". I know I won't get any answers from it, but it kinda reflects how I feel right now. It kinda says there isn't any true excuses, they all mean that he's not into you anymore. That's the way I felt. But you know, I was at a bar with three guys and no one approached me. I only had two smiles and a wave. That's not good enough for me. It's not helping my self image. It's not filling the emptiness in my life. I guess I just have to let the idea go that I can get a rebound. I guess I'm really too picky for a rebound. I guess my mindset has changed from a year and a half ago. I guess I'm looking for more of a future than for just meaningless fun. That's weird for me too, because I've never thought that way. I've never "looked" for a husband, but I know I don't want to look for another heartbreak. I guess I should have never dated my ex because I knew it would end in heartbreak, and I knew he would be the one to break my heart. I don't know why I don't listen to myself. I guess because I always prepare for the worst and hopefully the best will happen and I will never have to use my preparation for the worst. In the beginning I was prepared. I was prepared up until the week he cheated and that's when I opened my eyes to a future with him.... My preparation was always, "don't include anyone else in your future but you, Lisa. You and your career, that's it". Let me tell you, that method works like a charm. Once you start seeing someone else, yeah, it feels good, but your heart is unlocked and a huge bullseye appears on it.

I don't know, I would say the happiest I was during our relationship was right after I got back from Talladega. I was really happy...happy with myself for seeing him in my future and being OK with it, and happy that I finally let myself fall completely in love, no doubts whatsoever. But that only lasted for three days. During that time, he knew he had hurt me, I just didn't know it yet. He said he was going to break up with me because he couldn't keep lying. He wasn't gonna tell me why, he was just gonna end it. Such a noble man. Anyway, I guess I should have known I couldn't be that happy. I don't think I'm built for happiness. Oh well, I'm sure I'll find someone who I deserve. If I was a horrible girlfriend then I deserve someone horrible, but I know I was loyal and faithful so I think I at least deserve that!! At least I hope I do....