Came to a realization....

Ok, so I came to the realization that he will never be as sad as I am. I need to stop plotting and schemeing as to how to make him hurt and figure out how to get back the old Lisa, the fun Lisa. I have decided I will give myself until New Years to mourn this stupid breakup and then the happy Lisa will come back. A couple of years ago I had major feelings for this guy. He had sent me mixed signals for several months. Then I realized that nothing was gonna happen between us but I had never told him how I felt. My new years resolutions that year was to 1. tell him how I felt 2. Make amends with my cousin who I hadn't spoken to in over a year and 3. let go of the anamosity towards my brother and his way of life and just get along with him. I did them all.

I sent the guy a Christmas card and inside the card was another card. I wrote on the sealed envelope, Do not open. Course he did, but I just wanted him to know that I wrote it for me, not him. It was to make myself feel better and it did...until he called me to discuss it. But now, he's a friend of mine, the same friend I go to races with all the time. I don't have any feelings hidden away for him anymore. He knows how I felt. He did say that things would have been different if I would have told him those things earlier. I figured that but it was my fault. It's better how it is now anyway. My cousin and I had a falling out over a mutual friend. It was a really stupid argument and I decided to let it go. I don't do that easily but now, I have my cousin back. We talk often now. It's really nice to not have that on my mind anymore. My brother, well, we are still not the closest siblings but at least we are civil. My issues with him would put me into an all out nervious breakdown. It really messed me up for several years. Then, I let it go. It doesn't bother me anymore. I don't say anything about him anymore. It made me a totally different person. My own person, not my brothers little sister. It was nice.

I hope to do the same thing this new year. I want to let go my feelings for my ex. The anger, the hurt, and the love. I want to let it all go and never look back again. I hope I can do this. After the holidays, I should be better. It's all this damn Christmas cheer that gets me down.

I slept with the teddy bear he gave me for Valentine's day last night. Should I get rid of it? Will that help me forget him? I've packed up most of his stuff. There isn't much around that puts tears in my eyes. I just don't know if I have completely cleansed my life of him. I don't know.

I have decided to spend my time thinking of other things besides him. Right now I'm stuck on this guy that I was interested in at the concert last Friday. He was a really attractive guy. I would have loved to have talked to him. I took that stupid books advice and I didn't approach him. I regret it now. I would love to find him and ask him out. I was really attracted to him. I made eye contact a couple of times and I had about 4 chances to talk to him when he was really close to me. I'm kicking myself now for it. My friends refer to him as the M&M guy because when we spotted him, he was eating M&Ms. Yummy!!! Anyway, I guess I'll have to focus my energy on the search for the hot guy....