A Thinking Day...

Well, I have my interview all set up in Nashville. I'm really excited about it. Of course, I started thinking about how much I will miss my family and friends. It's gonna be tough leaving them. My best friend has a 10 month old baby girl who I will miss. I'm not a baby lover but I can love her. Plus, she loves me so that makes me love her even more. I will hate missing her grow up and not knowing me. But then again, I have to do what is best for me. My life is nothing here. I don't just say that because I'm single, it has never been anything here. Having him love me just made it bearable. But of course, looking back now, I don't think he ever loved me anyway, but life here didn't seem so bad with him around. I don't want people to think that I'm running away because of him. He was just the big push, that's all. I guess I was holding myself back when I was with him. My temporary happiness blinded me to my permanent future.

I have never thought of myself being better than someone else but you know, in this case I'm gonna go out on a limb and say,"I was too good for him." Call me arrogant or conceded, I don't care, I truly believe now that I am a much better person than he will ever be. He will never have the kind of friends I have. He will never be respected the way I am. He will never make anything of himself that will better the world. He is just average. I don't believe he will ever be anymore than average. My best friend said the nicest thing to me on the phone. She said that I was much prettier than he was handsome. I always thought of me being with him that I was the uglier of the two of us. I truly did. For her to say that to me meant the world. And, you know, I don't think I'm ugly, I just don't think I'm pretty either. I'm just average, but you know, at least my life won't be average. At least I'm chasing my dream.

Another thought crossed my mind today while I finished up the last bit of Christmas shopping. *bah humbug!!* I asked him when we broke up to tell me he didn't love me anymore. He always said he couldn't. You know, I think he could have every time I asked him too. I think the only thing keeping him from saying it was my feelings getting hurt. You know, I would have rather heard that than 'I want to still be friends.' I would have rather walked away knowing that there was no hope that we could ever 'be' again. Now, he has a new girlfriend. I wonder if he can say it now.....