Hi Friend...*shove* AAAHHH, Slam...Ouch!!!

OK, back at the bottom again. Four rungs up the misery ladder and a friend gives me a shove and knocks me back to the bottom... Hell, there might have even been a crack in the floor and I fell further than the bottom. So I have spent the last 5 weeks trying to completely avoid my ex and any possiblity that he might have a new girlfriend. I thought I covered all my bases. All my friends got the 'I-don't-want-to-know-if-you-see-him-or-anything-I-don't-want-to-hear-his-name' speech. Well, my cousin from Japan must not have got that message. She called me yesterday at work. She said she emailed me. She said she wanted to make sure I knew that a mutual friend of ours saw my ex at the mall with his new girlfriend on Christmas Eve. You know, I assumed he had a new girlfriend but I didn't want to hear that. She said she wanted to make it real for me. I knew it was real. I haven't been with him in a month, it was really real to me. If it wasn't real to me, would I be hurting as bad as I have been? No. So yeah, this kinda messed me up. So what did I do, I called and left a voicemail on his phone.... I hate myself for that. I am not that weak, I don't know why I did it. I guess I just wanted him to know it hurt me that he moved on so fast. You know, it took him a month to ask me out. But it sure as hell didn't take him a month to move on from me.

I will be OK about this though. I just want to know when he actually fell out of love with me, if he was even in love with me at all. I just want to know where it was that I overlooked the 'I-want-out' signal that he had to have given me. But I just keep going to back the conversation we had before I found out he cheated on me. I keep hearing him say "I want you to see me in your future" and damn him, I did. I saw us kissing on our wedding day. That is all I could see but that was enough for me. Now I can still see that in my head, only I'm not smiling. I'm trying to slowly erase him from that picture but that's just the first time I've pictured myself marrying someone. And boy did we look happy in my mind. I saw this picture after he cheated on me. That hurts the worst. He made me look even after what he did. I could have handled this thing had it not been for that one little vision.

I called my friend, Cathy for support. She is always there for me. I love her for that. I went over to my grandmas to get a much needed hug. She was there for me too. I had emailed my guy guy and asked him to call and he did. He was there for me too. I feel so bad for him though because he hasn't met the real Lisa. He hasn't met the one who always has a smile on her face and always cracking jokes. Instead, he has this new Lisa that I've never even met before. I hate this Lisa. I wish she would go away and never come back. He is still there for me though. I admire him for that. We are going to meet tonight for the first time. I hope I am not a freakin' basketcase in front of him... Maybe being with him will make me forget about my ex. I pray it does.

I emailed my ex and reminded him of the things he still owes me. I also asked for some more of my stuff back. You know what I really want back though. No, not him. I want back everything I made better about him. I want back the fact that I talked him into going to college. I want back the fact that he got his job through my friend. I want him to be what he was gonna be before he met me. I want him to go back and get out of high school and go in the military like he was planning to before he met me. I want him to work at Domino's and be satisfied with that, not go to college and just be a loser like he was destined to be before he met me. I want him to hang out with his drug dealer friends like he did before he met me. I want to take back the better man I made him. I want to take back the support I gave him that his family didn't. I want to take back all the great things my family did for him. I want to take back introducing him into my great group of friends. I want to take back the love I gave him and all the great compliments I gave him while we were together. I want to take back my heart that I gave him and my future that I also gave him. I guess what I really want is to not have met him at all. He hasn't made my life any better. He's just shown me what real pain feels like. Thanx alot, Tim...