I had a dream...

Last night, I had a dream. It wasn't a good dream. I don't even know, it could have been a nightmare, I'm not really sure. I dreamed that my ex died. Although I resent him and everything he has did to hurt me, I never wished that on him, or at least I don't remember wishing...I still feel terribly guilty though because it was in my brain, I dreamed it, I must have thought it somewhere along the way. I guess I'm writing this to convince myself that I don't wish that on people. You know, the big issue I was having in my dream was whether to go to the funeral or not. When I woke up, I was still thinking about it. I don't think I would. Mainly because, that is for his new girlfriend, not me. It doesn't matter that we spend a year and four months of our lives together, shared many things together. It's just not my right.

I told my friend about the dream and she said I would probably go to the grave after it was all over. Yeah, I probably would. I would probably thank him for the good times, even though I don't remember them right now, I would apologize for everything mean thing I did to him and the mean things I DID wish upon him. I guess that means I should apologize for all those things now. Oh well, I'm not that strong. I don't think I would want him to come to my funeral. I wouldn't want his sympathy when I'm dead, he couldn't give it to me when I was alive. No, I don't want him at my funeral. I don't want him thinking he would be the better man, do the right thing, because he's not the better man.

My friend also told me when you dream of death it means a rebirth. Maybe he knocked someone up, she said. Nice, yeah, didn't really help me out. I don't know. I feel really really guilty about the dream. Do I have that much anger in me?? Am I capable of such things?? I mean, its been four months since we split up, five since he cheated. I should be over it by now. I think I am physically. I know I am physically, it's the subconscience that's kickin my ass. I even believe mentally, I'm over him.... those stupid little thoughts that are always half there are driving me insane. I guess he's been on my mind a lot more lately. I missed him when BarBea was in the hospital. I just wondered if he would have been there to hold me and comfort me. He wasn't, but yet it wasn't his job anymore. It's just something I think about. I wonder if it would have been easier with someone to lean on?

So, I have given up the search. I am no longer searching for a replacement. If it happens, it happens. I'm going to focus on me, my family, and my friends. I am going to search out a new job, new possiblities. No more of this petty sexual stuff. I don't need someone to make me happy. I really only wanted someone to kill the time with. Just because he needs a new relationship right out of the box, doesn't mean that's the best thing for me. I'm just gonna be me - Single Lisa.... hell, I play the part well!!